Not Another My Immortal Commentary!
by emopygmepuff
Summary: My commentary on My Immortal. Lets hope I don't blow my brains out re-reading this monstrosity. I know there are lots out there but give mine a read! :  R&R!
1. We are introduced and shown her wardrobe

_Okay, so I decided to do my own commentary of _My Immortal_which is, in my opinion, the greatest or worst thing to come of fanfiction. It's so hilarious (whether deliberately or not) and it gives me a rough idea of what I should buy if I ever go gothic. Lots of lace, white foundation and leather clothes are popular choices. I listed it as a horror (I mean, have you even read this story?) and rated it M to save the little children. Anyway, here we go, and prepare to lose some braincells!_

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><p>AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) <strong>(I do get it, and, no, it really isn't funny)<strong> 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **(Homophobe)** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **(You really did not do a good job of it)** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **(Urgh. Is this what teenagers are like nowadays?)**

** (This is how the goffiks break a page) **

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **(Your parents obviously wanted you to be bullied, but I guess it just shows how "goffik you are") **and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **(No shit, Sherlock! Oh, and "ebony" and "black" mean the same thing, so is your hair black black?)** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back **(You're being less "goffik" and more "emo" with these coloured streaks)** and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **(What the hell is "limpid tears"? *types in "limpid" to online dictionary* Hmm, it means transparent. And well done, tears are indeed clear. I'm surprised she knows what "limpid" means, actually)** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) **(Yeah, because you are very obviously a prep!)**. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie **(So you can fuck your relative? That, my friend – and I use that term loosely – is incest, and is actually illegal)**. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **(And vampires have yellow crooked teeth?)**. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **(Scotland)** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen) **(We could've guessed)**. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **(Actually, I couldn't tell. I was coming to the conclusion that you're emo, with all this coloured hair streaks and love of vampires) **and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there **(Ooh, do they deliver to the UK now? Because we don't have Hot Toppic, only shitty Blue Banana)**. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots **(The pink fishnets are so very gothic. Also, I don't give a tiny rat's ass what you're wearing)**. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about **(Snowing AND raining? Because snow isn't like frozen rain anyway?)**. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **(Phew, is this the end of the paragraph? It is?)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **(DUN DUN DUN!)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(So OOC)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(Good. Don't ever come back)**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **(No. And you're attempted cutesie goffik talk isn't either)**

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><p><em>So… chapter one. I was trying to be kinda funny, but got pissed off at Tara's mutilation of the English language. Don't forget to review!<em>


	2. Good Charlotte are a Goth band?

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **(I like rock music too – I was about to say "I'm not a prep" but I'm 19 and the stereotypes kinda fizzle out at that age - , but I'd still flame this story)**

** (And this, children, is how Satanists break a page)**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom **(As opposed to the kitchen counter)**. It was snowing and raining again **(The Met Office really should know about this)**. I opened the door of my coffin **(Four poster? No? Okay then)** and drank some blood from a bottle I had** (Wouldn't it be all dried up and disgusting?)**. My coffin was black ebony **(Black and ebony are the same thing, you mediocre dunce!)** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends **(Again, the goth with the hot pink!)**. I got out of my coffin and took of **(Off)** my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas **(I use a giant MCR top as a pajama top too. Now I know that you do though...)**. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on **(You said "on" twice. And no one cares)**. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **(My hair's in a messy bun, but that's because I slept in it)**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **(Don't leave the house ever again through shame)** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black **(The two words for black again!) **hair with pink streaks **(Emo hair)** and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots **(Don't care)**. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(If any of you are wondering, my usual makeup look is primer, foundation, concealer and mascara!)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **(I know many a goth that says "OMFG")**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **(But you're a vampire, and they don't have blood, so you can't blush)**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(So now everyone knows, because you just shouted about it. And also, don't get all worked up)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **("NO, I DON'T FUCKING LIKE DRACO! GOD, RAVEN, YOU'RE SO STUPID! Hiiii, Draco! *hairflip*")**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(I didn't know Good Charlotte were: A. A goth band, and B. Wizards. Otherwise they wouldn't be able to get in to Hogsmeade, on account of they wouldn't be able to see it)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. **(Again, OMFG)** I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **(Also, shouldn't it be OMM or something? They never say anything like "Merlin's beard!" in this. But then again, "Oh my Merlin" sounds really stupid. Just say "Merlin's beard" and be done with it)**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **(Because Lu shoved rusty needles in my eyes and then poured acid in the wounds. No? Ebony's not real? Bugger!)**


	3. Flying Mercedes and Good Charlotte

_I'm not gonna lie, I can't tell whether Tara is the stupidest person to walk the face of this planet or the most epic troll ever. Please review!_

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><p>AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! <strong>(Why do you presume it was Goths that liked the story, and not 5 year-olds?)<strong> FANGS AGEN RAVEN! **(You should seriously consider getting put in the witness protection programme, or moving to Argentina or something, because once people that enjoy good literature find out where you live, shit is gonna hit the fan)**oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels **(Appropriate shoes for a gig, presumably where there will be moshpits)**. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front **(You mean laces/ribbons? And also, great choice of clothes for a hot and cramped gig! You'll be like Ross from **_**Friends**_** with the leather trousers. MAKE YOURSELF A PASTE-DRESS NOW!)**. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **(The laws of gravity do not apply here)** I felt a little depressed then **(Did you look in the mirror?)**, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **(You're a vampire. You don't have blood)** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway **(Then why did you put it on the last two chapters?)**. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **(You know what your parents tell you when you're going to a gig: drink some blood so you don't get famished)**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car **(Was it a blue Ford Anglia?)**. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too) **(And are the most gothic band on the face of this earth)**, baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!) **(Also, a lot of attention seeking emo boys)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(Depressed voice with an exclamation mark?)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **(Ooh-hoo, you're so bad!)** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car **(And plummeted to our deaths!)**. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage **(Didn't I tell you her heels and leather dress would be a bad idea?) **and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
>They're all so happy you've arrived<br>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
>She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).<p>

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(Draco is protective and sensitive? He really is emo, this, and the eyeliner etc)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(Ahem, he's married to Nicole Richie, who is also blond. And her blond face? Like her skin colour is blond?)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer **(Go steady mind!)** and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz **(Mixing drugs and alcohol wasn't a good idea then?)**, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **(The suspense is killing me)**


	4. Thingies and YouKnowWhats

_I must warn you before we start, this chapter has the hottest lemon ever in it (!) Review!_

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><p>AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY <strong>(She needs a Beta, or just a spellcheck)<strong>nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. **(And broke all his bones as he hit the ground)** I walked out of it too, curiously **(wondering why I wasn't falling through the air)**.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **(I'm asking myself that too. WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD, HE PARKED IT IN MIDAIR!)**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow **(Depressing, sorrow, both meaning "sad") **and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately **(What did he do as he kissed you passionately?)**. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra **(It is preferable when engaging in sexual behaviour to take your bra off)**. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **(This is how I would explain sex to children. But Ebony/Enoby is 17, and is apparently ashamed to say "penis" and "vagina", or even slang terms. Then again, Tara was probably 14 and was too shy to type them out. So her character just looks like a social weirdo, being 17 and not saying "cock" or something)**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. **(Yeah, you can get them from the orgasm shop)** We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm **(FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU HAVE NO BLOOD, YOU CANNOT GET WARM!)**. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore! **(Ooh, cockblock!)**

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><p><em>I totally want Michael Gambon to get dressed up as Dumbledore one last time and shout this at Tom Felton. It'd be hilarious.<em>


	5. The best insults, EVER!

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **(Okay)** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **(Take some asprin then. I mean, surely there's a potion for that?)** ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx **(Well, he does own the forest. If I were a teacher and I caught my pupils having sex in school I'd probably swear too)**! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

Dumbledore made **(A cake? A baby? A really bad fanfiction like this is?)**and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **("Ludacris feel cups like double d's!" Name that song)**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face **(You have no fucking blood!)**. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry **(Pre-emptive anger from Snap and McGoogle there)**.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **(Hee hee, "sexual intercourse"!)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **(I use this as in insult in everyday life)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **(Apparently, fuck someone at Hogwarts, get caught, tell the teachers it was because you love the other person and you get off Scott-free!)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels **(Where are you going, all dressed up?)**. When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte **(If I was on the receiving end of someone singing that to me, I'd either be embarrassed for whoever was singing it, cringe, or laugh in their face)**. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there **(How did he get in her dorm? The girls' dorms have anti-boy spells on their staircases)**. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **(Just as I am reading this reluctantly) **

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><p><em>Ooh, she didn't describe her makeup! Apparently, Tara's back, under the name xxxbloodyristsxxx666, carrying on this story from where she left off: chapter 45. Well, the website that hosts this monstrosity only has up to chapter 40. Troll? Not a troll? Make up your own minds.<em>


	6. Hi, I'm Enoby, and I have an erection

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **(Spray painted? Like how Banksy spray paints Bristol and the Gaza strip? This must be the first time she hasn't put on makeup)**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal **(Available from Asda[!] We don't have Count Chocula in the UK) **with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **(It would ruin your black top)**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **(Here comes the obligatory clothing description, just so you know for sure he's a goth) **He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **(Don't you hate it when kohl eyeliner does that? Especially in the summer? But it's probably snowing and raining again)** and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore **(No, don't do this to my childhood!)**. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden **(No, he does not)**. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(No, because you need a penis to get an erection, and you are a girl. You're the sick one for mentioning it in the first place)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. **(You just screamed at him and called him a bastard, and now you've forgiven him? Probably because he looks like Joel from Good Charlotte and your man-erection thing is telling you this is where your next fuck is coming from) **What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **(He goes from shy to grumbly in 0.5 seconds)**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(This reminds me of Bashful from **_**Snow White**_**, "Ooooh, gosh!" And Harry would never giggle)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared. **(Because you're Simba? Is there Pride Rock in the Great Hall? Ooh, is Dumbledore Mufasa, and Snape Scar?)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **(His penis is the surprise, isn't it?)**


	7. Know that song, Do your ears hang low?

_Thanks to everyone who has reviewed or has put this story on your alert list or favourites list. I've written commentary up to chapter 16, and I'll try to put up a new chapter each day I'm on the computer (if I remember to, uni work is neverending!)_

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><p>AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! <strong>(You're making me depressed)<strong>

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?) **(It sounds retarded, that's what it sounds like)**. I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **(Don't think too much of yourself then!) **Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco **(You're both Slytherins, their common room and dormitories are in the dungeons, underneath the Black Lake)**. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively **(Frenching passively?) **and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra **(Eww, sweaty boobies)** and he took off his pants. We went on the bed **(Bed? Does he not have a coffin?) **and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine **(In your boys thingy? So I was wrong last chapter, you DO have a penis!)** and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **(YES IT IS!)**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm **(She went back to the orgasm shop to "get one". Is it a buy-one-get-one-free offer?)** when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **(That's one word)**

I was so angry. **(So am I!) **

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **(Ooh! That's uncalled for! And maybe you should use a condom)**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what **(swaying to-and-fro as he followed her)** but I was too mad to care **(You obviously do)**. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. **(Students?)**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **(Using Albus language are we?)**


	8. You're naked in Snape's lesson, Draco

_Wow, I had about five or six review alerts in my inbox this morning! You guys are great, thanks for putting this on your alerts or favourite lists! _

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><p>AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep! <strong>(Okay, I'll just get told off by my dentist for not "flassing")<strong>

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **(That used to happen in my school all the time. I remember once when this girl in my tutor broke up with her boyfriend in the year above and he came in during registration naked and begged her to get back with him. Obviously.)**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair **(Again with the gothic black! And waste? Waste-length?)** and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on **(Do they have some sort of machine in the toilets that dispense contact lenses instead of condoms and feminine hygiene products like they usually do? This one time me and my friend were in the toilet at the pub and we noticed a pack of mints that was stuck in the machine, so we spent like 30 minutes trying to get it out, then thought if we paid for another one they'd come out – like they usually do in vending machines – but it was not to be. But I digress)**. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born **(That came out of nowhere)**. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it **(Oh dear)**. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed **(Even though she was kidnapped as a baby, so probably would have no recollection of it whatsoever)**. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger **(And that is important because…? Is Smith some sort of Satanist surname?)**. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **(I require for her to bugger off, but that's just me)**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **(You weren't even with Vampire/Harry!)**

Everyone gasped. **(Because everyone cares about her, I bet)**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **(Random POV switch)** I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) **(The emo theory is becoming more apparent) **for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now **(He broke your heart and you're good friends now, how does that work?)**. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **(But you hang out with a Mary-Sue)**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed **(Back to Enoby's POV)**. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.**(Girls, a word of advice: don't let anyone pressure you into sex. Losing your virility is an important thing and you only get to do it once. Protect your thingies and you-know-whats with contraception before you do it)**


	9. He looks like Voldemort, it is Voldemort

_I'm bored and I can't be assed to do work, so here's chapter nine. :) I won't post another chapter until I get ten good vons! No, I'm joking. I won't post another chapter until I get ten good reviews! :P_

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><p>AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! <strong>(We can tell. You've probably never picked up a book before in your life) <strong>dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now **(He never liked Harry in the first place!) **is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything **(What's everything? He had no everything? He was invisible?) **started flying towards me on a broomstick! **(As opposed to a Boeing 747)** He didn't have a nose **(You said this before) **(basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic **(You can just tell these things, you know)**. It was… Voldemort! **(So it was basically Voldemort from the movie)**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away. **(Imperius is the name for the curse, when you cast it you say "**_**Imperio**_**", you ludacris fool)**

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. **(Because Hermione – sorry – Bloody Mary's cat fell on him?) **I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **(That just doesn't make sense)**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes **(Sexah eyes? Lmfao!) **and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden **(No, he looks like Harry)**. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. **(Which wizards call: "A silver wand Muggles use to kill each other with" see Prisoner of Azkaban)**"No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **("_If thou wilt not be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet_", or something like that. Seriously, who does she think Voldemort is? Shakespeare? Is he going to kill Vampire with the power of iambic pentameter?)**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. **(I love this! That's the face I've got on right now!)** "I hath telekinesis."** (Like a poltergeist)** he answered cruelly "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **(Looking back occasionally and frowning)**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!" **(Scared and mad and exclamation mark-y)**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram **(His eyemakeup looked like a star? What?)** (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. **(Or his eyeliner looked like a cross between how Gerard and Joel do theirs? Oh, I get it now. Instead of using "a cross between" because she's goffik she used "pentagram". Yeah, I did not get that. That was just stupid. Stop trying to prove you're a goth, Tara!)**

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered. **(I'm surprised that he was like "I'M NOT O-FUCKING-KAY!" all My Chem like)**

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **(Walking and Frenching at the same time!)**


	10. Bloody Gothic Rose 666? Kill me!

_Thanks to everyone who has reviewed. :) I'm going to have to start doing some more chapters, I've only got up to 16 finished! Don't forget to review!_

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><p>AN: stup it u gay fags <strong>("Fag" is a slang word for a homosexual) <strong>if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al **(She never was to begin with) **n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! **(Because apparently you can't get evil Muggles. So Hitler was a lovely man with great facial grooming skills?)**

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666 **(Oh, dear god)**. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR **(Those people must be deaf. That would sound terrible)**. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now **(Like the thing you balance on two sticks connected by string? I did some of that in a circus camp. Oh, god, here comes the description)**. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid **(HAGRID)**. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak) **(How does the steak have to be in order to kill a vampire? Medium-rare? Well done?)** and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride **(Just because it's a Tim Burton film doesn't mean it's depressing. Actually, none of the Tim films I've watched are depressing. **_**Monster's Ball**_**, now **_**that's**_** a depressing movie. P-Diddy is given the chair, Heath Ledger kills himself because his dad – Billy Bob Thornton, who works in the prison with him – is horrible, then Billy Bob finds Halle Berry and her overweight son on the side of the road, then her son dies, then it turns out that Halle Berry is P-Diddy's wife, so she had a really bad day, losing her son AND husband, so she has sex with Billy Bob – which is, eww, disgusting – so she basically had sex with the guy that killed her husband. THAT IS A DEPRESSING MOVIE, NOT CORPSE BRIDE)**. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **(So you show your tits and and legs and draw attention to your ass when you know your boyfriend isn't going to be at band practice? Sounds slutty to me!)**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **(So long and goodnight, bitch! *Stabs with a rump steak*)**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. **(I think you mean 'concerned')**

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! **(I thought his name was Vampire? Didn't Vlodemort call him Vampire, not Harry? CONTINUITY!)** But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.  
>Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. <strong>(The magical wall that just appeared)<strong>

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **(*Sigh*)**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **(He's going emo again!)**

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **(He got some 4Head migraine relief then?)**

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. **(How can you cry wisely?)** (c dats basically nut swering **(It ISN'T swearing! He said "What have you done?", not "What have you done, you bitch?") **and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) **(Okay, I'm waiting with breath that is baited) **"Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **(Good)**


	11. Touching youself is masticating!

_I think this is where things start to get even more ramble-y and nonsensical. I mean, even more than before, if that's possible. Review! :)_

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><p>AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me! <strong>(I did not understand a word of that rabble)<strong>

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off **(Oh, you're nice!) **and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **(He's the headteacher, he can go wherever the fuck he wants!)**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists **(FFS, YOU HAVE NO BLOOD, YOU'RE A VAMPIRE! HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES?)**. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak **(Someone visited Dobby in the kitchens!) **and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! **(Someone's got a case of the Bella Swans!)** I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly **(Sandly? You got dressed "sandly"? What is this madness?)**. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. **(No, I can't believe you've got room on your earlobes for six piercings!)** Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! **(Lupin was masturbating to you putting your earrings in? That's SO HOT) **They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! **(You have clothes on, you dumb whore!)** ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT! **(No, because you're 17!)**" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it **(But you're already dressed!)**. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra! **(Is this some type of pentagram between Avada Kedavra and Abra Kedabra?)**" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb **(Harry's got a womb? That makes a lot of sense with all this emo behaviour, he's probably on his period)**. I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke **(Because of your face) **Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! **(LMFAO, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!")**" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk. **(But you're inside? And he ran outside? With his broom between his legs? I'm so confused!)**

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **(He's just a student, with a Giant family! Spare me my eyes from this monstrosity!)**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **(Is everyone a Satanist? I'm getting tired of the devil talk now)**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice **(Crisp like the air on a winter's morning, or a freshly ironed white shirt?) **as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him **(Did Dumbledore shoot him with his wand? I can't remember and honestly don't want to reread it to check)**. "There must be other factors."

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **(What? Is this still about Hagrid being a Satanist?)**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly **(Trielephantly: the happiness or jubilation experienced by an elephant)**. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. **(Oh, piss off)**

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. **(Clook? A cock cloak? He's rubbing his hands on his boy's you-know-what? HE'S MASTICATING AGAIN?)**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him **(This just doesn't make sense. That, or I've given up the will to live)**. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. **(I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU!)**

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air **(I THROW MY WAND UP IN THE AIR SOMETIMES, SAYING AYYYO, I AM A PEEEEEEEEDO!)**. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **(Who swooped in singing a gothic 50 Cent song? Honestly, I hope G-Unit hurt you)**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

"Because I LOVE HER!" **(Who loves who? Who even gives a fuck?)**


	12. Voldemort is a Rihanna fan

_Sorry this chapter's taken a few days to come up. I've got loads of work to do and was running out of chapters to post. I quickly wrote commentaries on chapters 17-19 last night, so you'll be all caught up soon._

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><p>AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz <strong>(Hagrid is a paedophile in a lot of American schools? Half-giant gets around!)<strong> r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! **(Where did Cedric come from in all this?)**

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. **(So he told you that you should kill yourself if he dies? No Christian and Satine-style _Moulin Rouge! _conversation about moving on then?)**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **(Like egg whites)**

I stopped. "How did u know?" **(How did Harry- I refuse to call him "Vampire" – know his scar hurt? Um, because he could feel it? You horny simpleton!)**

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" **(Holy fruit salad, Batman!)**

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **(Voldie is bad but he's perfectly good at it; sex in the air, he don't care, he loves the smell of it; sticks and stones may break his bones but chains and whips excite him!)**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists **(Which you couldn't die from because YOU HAVE NO BLOOD! HOW MANY TIMES?)**. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz **(The frequent clothing and makeup descriptions indicate how hot the girls are)**. Dumbledore had constipated **(Eat some fibre!) **the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses. **(He came into your bed? Like he lifted up the duvet, crawled in and snuggled?)**

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway **(Could've fooled me, with your pink fishnets and pink lining in your coffin!)**, and I don't like fucked up preps like you **(Isn't he in Bloody Gothic Words Here 666?)**." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. **(Maybe he's jealous of your… style…? *bursts into laughter*)**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. **(Did she just ask if the roses were Goths?)**

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) **(Yes, it is) **to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! . **(If I wanted to lose braincells I would've gotten drunk)**

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. **(That's not being wise, that's knowing lyrics to a song)**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." **(LMFAO!)** Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!" **(Io don'to knowo whyo I'mo eveno doingo thiso!)**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. **(You said that) **Now I knew he wasn't a prep. **(HE'S IN YOUR BAND, YOU DAFT DIMBO!)**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **(Yes, what the fuck is he?)**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?" **(K, Dumbledore) **"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. **(HE'S TALKING TO EGOGY!) **dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.** (Glad to see his head's better at last)**

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a **(black noose with lace covering it?) **black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them **(Eww, they sound like terrible shoes! Heeled boots with someone's face on them! You need a visit from your fairy Gokmother!)**. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) **(So people who know who she is are goths? I know who she is - I had a nightmare about her and I haven't even watched The Ring! - does that make me a goth? No)** and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit) **(You've replaced "thanks" with "fangs" many times now, we fucking get it!)** you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures **(Ooh, looking after fur!)**. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco **(We know!)**. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **(They're particularly good finders but also apparently slow in speed)**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **(You're such a whore! "Boohoo, my boyfriend ran away, so I'll fuck some other boy – who used to be my boyfriend's boyfriend – in front of the whole class during a lesson!)**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. **(I'm not surprised everyone was staring at you while you were fucking in the middle of broad daylight!)**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily. **(You jumped on him!)**

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **(Making a meringue with those egg whites?) **

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **(Haven't we done this already?)**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **(S, S, S and, M, M, M!)**

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA **(The sisterly bit's kinda… sweet)** WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111 **(Oh…kay, maybe not!)**

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I **(SHE WANTS HER PINK SHIRT BACK!)**


	13. Surprising, Voldemort lives at his lair!

_Here's an Easter update for you guys! This is a really short chapter that didn't lend me much to write about. I can feel my braincells receding._

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><p>AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! <strong>(Frank's better) <strong>PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily. **(I love the teachers' insults! Despicable snobs, mediocre dunces, horny simpletons!)**

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." **(He doesn't care that one of his students might be killed because he had sex? Really? Dumbledore'd do anything to help his students, even the stupid ones) **he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." **(LMFAO! That's brilliant!)** then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" **(Surely she'd get mad at him for saying that?)** he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!) **(I thought he was bi?)**

"Its okay!" **(Apparently not!) **I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea! **("I _had_ an idea, but it's gone now!" It's HAVE, not HAD! PAST TENSE!)**" he exclaimed.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! **(You'd think he'd have anti-apparition spells on his hideout, but whatever) **

We ran in with our wands out **(Hee hee, "wands out"!) **just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!" **(Is it a Muslim Death Eater/Dealer?)**

It was….. Voldemort! **(That's no surprise, seeing as how you went to his lair!)**

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><p><em>Hang on a minute; something's missing from this chapter… WHAT? NO CLOTHING AND MAKEUP DESCRIPTIONS?<em>


	14. MY LIFE IS SO UNFAIR! I'M CURSED!

_OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS, HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW TRAILER? ACCIO JULY! ACCIO TISSUES! ACCIO THE END OF MY CHILDHOOD!_

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><p>AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists <strong>(Depression is a serious thing, but I have a feeling that she put that in to seem more "gothic" or whatever. Like you'd even write that on the internet!<strong>**Who does that? "Sorry I didn't get in touch with you, I was depressed and slit my wrists"?) **PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION **(Does she even know that means "poo"?)** ADVISD. **(Your writing is extremely scary. Shouldn't it be "reader discretion"? I'm not sat here WATCHING her God-awful attempt at fiction) **

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there **(Well, that was a waste of time. Or as Tara would type: "waist of tim")**. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was **(LMFAO, "the fat guy who killed Cedric? You mean Wormtail?)**. Draco was there crying tears of blood. **(Madam Pomfrey really doesn't have a lot of work to do, does she? Everybody and their mother is walking around Hogwarts crying tears of blood, and no one gets it checked out! "Oh, I'm just crying TEARS OF BLOOD, don't worry about me!") **Snaketail was torturing him **(Or he changed his name to "Snaketail")**. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" **(Another insult for my collection "despicable preps". And "Rid my sight"? What does that even mean?)** he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." **("Full stop" he said)** he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok) **(However, Hagrid is a student but he is a paedophile? Sorry if I got this wrong, there's just so many paedos/non-paedos I forget)**

"Huh?" I asked.

"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail **(I would say "EbonyIhateyoucanIkillyou". And she thinks a lot of herself!)**. I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." **(As are you, Tara!)** I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain. **(Like a G6, like a G6!)**

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around **(Even though he was stabbed in the heart? Yeah, right!)**. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly. **(But he was torturing your boyfriend and asked you for sex! What is wrong with you?)**

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then… he started coming! **(WHAT? HE DID WHAT NOW? Did he get it from the orgasm shop?)** We could hear his high heels clacking to us. **(Is he some type of transvestite? "I'm just a sweet transvestite, a Dark Lord, who wants to kill Pottaaaaaaaaaah, ah-ah!") **So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) **(Ha ha ha, no)** and a really huge you-know-what and everything. **(It is helpful to have a big you-know-what when you're about to have sex)**

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything." **(What? And, have you looked in a mirror?)**

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco. **(Do you know what she gets up to behind your back?)**

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) **(Is this supposed to be something someone has said to Tara? Since Ebony is meant to be Tara?) **"Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away. **(Her life is so hard. It really puts my personal problems into perspective!)**


	15. Transfiguration, Biology, same thing!

_There probably won't be many frequent updates for the next few weeks. I've got so much work to do, I have a report due in next week and my main project in at the end of the month (which my tutor decided to change last week, so all the photoshoots I've done over the Easter break I can't use now... Thanks, a lot), so I don't have much time to write commentaries. Also, the website I get the chapters from has exceeded its bandwidth for this month or something, so I'm trying to find other websites that are hosting it. I'm really sorry, guys, but the end of my first year of uni is within sight and my idea for my project is pretty strong, so I want to do really well on this! Hope you're all doing well, and there'll be an update next week sometime._

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><p>AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! <strong>(You know everyone's gonna flame you harder, right? And that's pathetic, if I haven't lost all my patience with this girl before, I definitely have now!) <strong>fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!

"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!" **(I don't even know what she's mad about to be honest. I can't remember and don't give a fuck)**

But I was too mad. **(Really small paragraph) **

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key **(This is relevant because…)**. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire **(So, everyone in this story is a musician that's "hot")**. I started to cry and weep **(Cry and weep is pretty much the same thing… check a thesaurus once in a while)**. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. **(Biology? There's no biology in Hogwarts! What the hell is going on here?)**

**(Here we go. Doesn't this Hogwarts have a uniform?) **I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters **(Those shoes are disgusting)**. I put my ebony black hair out **(You "put it out"? You made out with your hair? Don't you mean you left it down?)**. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work **(Yes, of course you did, in HOGWARTS!)**. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar **(Isn't this like transfiguration, not biology?)**. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! **(What do you mean, "suddenly"? you're controlling what you're transfiguring. And also, I'm sure there's a law on transfiguring objects into people, that, or it's impossible) **

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." **(How embarrassing. That's a conversation I'd want to have in private, but then again Tara/Ebony wants to make herself look good) **Then…. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) **(Aww, how sweet… not) **right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) . **(Pierre? Who's Pierre? And no, that'd sound pretty nasty. Pretty much every male rock singer she knows is listed here in order to make a "super sexah" megavoice, I expect) **

"OMFG." I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) **(Her whole fingers were covered in black nail polish?)** at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and CMM in a Cinderella Story **(Then why did you reference Chad Michal Murray and Hillary Duff if you hate them so much? And why would you have watched that film if you're a goth? That's one of the most anti-goth films I've ever seen)**. Then we went away holding hands. Loopin **(Hang on, isn't he supposed to be in St Mango's Hospital for Fruit Salads and Stupidity? And why would he be teaching Biology/Transfiguration anyway?) **shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether **(Pfft, yeah, right!)**. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. **(Went where? To see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz?)**


	16. Raven and Tara aren't friends anymore

_Here's an update, as promised. There'll probably be one a week until the end of May, I've got so much work to do. Blame my tutor for changing the topic of my work 3 weeks before deadline. Sorry guys. Hope you enjoy this chapter!_

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><p>AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! <strong>(Hopefully she can write ANs better than Tara!) <strong>Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese!

We ran happily to Hogsmede **(You? Happily?)**. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection **(Oh…kay)** but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother **(He obviously thinks different!)**. I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots **(Leather platinum boots? How does that work, exactly?)** with red ripped fishnets **(Again, entirely appropriate clothes for a gig)**. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena **(Enjoy moshing with your "leather platinum boots" and leather minidress! Exactly how many pieces of leather clothing does she have in her wardrobe? How many cows died for her to look like some Satan slut?)**. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers! **(They deal in death!)**

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them" **(But… you're already at the concert? What happened to you last time? When you willingly gave away your virility?)**

"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what.

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice.

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT." **(Ooh-hoo, maybe it'll be McGoogle or Snake?)**

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" **(*surfer/stoner voice* Yeah, man, giving in to the mainstream!)** I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?" **(WTF's a "Christina"?)**

"NO." he muttered loudly. **(That's not a mutter, that's a shout)**

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily.

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me. **(Why does this guy apologise by singing Good Charlotte songs?)**

I was flattened cause **(Lu drove over me with a steamroller?)** that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me! **(So you're a goth that only listens to the singles and doesn't get the full albums? That's… so mainstream!)**

"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room. **(" OH MY GOD, why do you want to take me out to a gig, Draco, considering we had sex last time that happened? And you're so becoming mainstream by wanting to take an escort, you're becoming a prep! Oh, but now you're singing a Good Charlotte song to me, which wasn't even released as a single, so I guess I should go to the concert THAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED with you!")**

B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'h ow do u do' in japanese) **(I really don't care. Is she Lolita goth or something?)**. "BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) **(Yeah! Feel insulted that the illiterate knobhead wrote you out of the story! *whisper* You got out alive, congratulations!)**

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas **(That's not gothic)**. "Maybe Willow will die too." I said. **(Who in **_**The Nightmare Before Christmas**_** dies? No one!)**

"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak." **(WHAT? "Oh, yeah, before I forget, I murdered her and Lupin had sex with her dead body" "HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME THIS BLOODY MARY?" "Because I just added it in to hurt Raven's feelings over our little tiff")**

"Kawai." I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie. **(You talked to each other in silence?)**

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." **(You already went! Voldemort was pretending to be Gerard, remember?) **I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA."

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. "Omfg totally lets go shopping."

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde. **(Oh my God!)**

"No." My head snaped up.

'WHAT?" my head spuin **(Like Regan MacNeil)**. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?"

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all." **(Because there wasn't a branch of Hot Topic **_**in**_** Hogsmeade?)**

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!). Or me. **("Or me". That's just too funny, added on as an afterthought)**

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms."

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly. **(Quietly in caps)**

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go."

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE **(That was a stupid sentence) **and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs."

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked.

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! **(Like you guys)** Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." **(What does a "gothic camera pouch" look like?) **He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera."

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said. **("Oh my Satan"? Oh god, kill me now)**

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary.

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked. **(I wish salespeople did that in real life)**

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?" **(Ooh, replace "Raven" with "Tara", nice going on making Raven feel bad!)**

"Tom Rid." He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "maybe I'll see you there tonight."

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" **("I don't think I'll see you there… because I'm going with Draco!" so you are going then? And why assume he's a perv?)** I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!" **(What could possibly be going on? And what happened to Draco? One minute he was in her dorm and then he disappeared)**


	17. Neville is called Bellybutton

_Sorry I haven't updated in a while, uni work has been manic. My tutor decided to tell me the idea I came up with for this unit's brief was no good, two weeks before deadline. Deadline is next wednesday. Luckily, I've gotten it back on track and my work is good, but if he'd just told me that six weeks ago I wouldn't be in this situation! Hope you're all doing well, in a week I'll have more time to write commentaries and post chapters._

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><p>AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr! <strong>(I cannot make sense of that. At all. Please learn the English language and use it properly)<strong>

Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free **(He's definitely not dodgy at all then, especially with a name like Tom Riddle. I expect he's a perfectly nice guy, not, say, a paedophile or a mass-murdering Dark wizard)**. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual) **(Is this playing upon the stereotypical view of gay men? Like, he's bisexual, so by default he HAS to be into fashion because "gays are"? I find this insulting)**. Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off you fjucking bastard." Well anyway Willow came **(I've lost my place on my orgasm counter)**. Hargird went away angrily.

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said. **(Bitch, you look like a knobhead) **

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything **(N'aww, that's really sad)**. She was wearing **(Don't give a shit!)** a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets **(HUH? Leather fishnets?) **and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz **(How can boots show off how pale you are?)**. She had a really nice body wif big bobs **(You know how men love "big bobs"!)** and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic **(Lets applaud that fact, shall we? How about no)**.

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked. **(What concert is this? Is this the MCR one that happened, but then didn't happen and is now happening?) **

"Yah." I said happily.

"I'm gong with Diabolo." she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came **(Restarting the orgasm counter with two)**. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2 **(Were their you-know-what's hard?)**. Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson **(Well, I got dressed up as Reagan MacNeil from **_**The Exorcist**_** the other week for my photography project, I think that beats Marilyn Manson)**. Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower **(The warped tower? Is it a relation of the Leaning Tower of Piza?)**. B'loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. Dracola used to be called Navel **(OH, HELL NO! I DID NOT LEAVE CANON FOR THIS!) **but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires **(I'm honestly not surprised at this)**. They dyed in a car crash **(They were spending too much attention with the L'Oreal Casting Creme to pay attention to the road and now their son is a Satanist and changed his name to "Dracola". A cross between the youngest Malfoy and a fizzy drink)**. Navel **(Apparently, he was named after a bellybutton before his parents' Casting Creme road traffic accident)** converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now. He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now. **(I can't even…) **Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik) **(How is that related to Gothic-ness? Did I miss that lesson of Goth 101?) **that his dad Lucian **(*eyeroll*)** gave him. We did pot, coke and crak **(I hope you didn't overdose! No, wait, actually I do!)**. Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. We soon got there….I gapsed.

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. **(I can confirm this. I went to the Black Parade tour in 2007. He'd just dyed his hair back to black from bleach blonde)** He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes **(Are his eyes blue? :S)**. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice **(Ethnic voice? I know from being an obsessed MCR fan four years ago that he's half Scottish and half Italian, so he isn't ethnic)**. We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz **(Helena's the only one you know, isn't it?)**. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask **(What mask?)**. So did the other membez **(Sorry, Frank, Mikey, Ray and Bob – if she was thinking of Bob when she wrote this, since he was still in the band then. But yeah, she only knows Gerard because he's "so fukin hot and sexah!1111")**. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes **(Jesus Christ…)**... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came **(That's four orgasms in this chapter alone!)**. It was….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers! **(They deal in death!)**

"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!" **(PLEASE VOLDEMORT! I never thought I'd ever beg you to kill someone, but PLEASE KILL THEM!) **"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife. **(KNIFE?)**

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread **(Uh oh, someone burnt the French baguette!)**. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back **(Not very gothic, then)**. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…DUMBLYDORE! **(OH HOLY SHIT I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!)**


	18. Some prep redecorated the Great Hall

_This is a treat chapter, per se. I handed in my last unit of work at lunch today, which means I AM FREE UNTIL SEPTEMBER! Apart from the exhibition we're doing, and visiting the external examiner, but whatever. My first year of university is complete! So to celebrate, here is a new chapter!_

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><p>AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der! <strong>(Yeah, only goffik ppl swer so der!)<strong>

I woke up the next day in my coffin. I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick **(Blood bed? And again, with the **_**Exorcist**_** makeup, HAHAHA EBONY! My makeup was better than yours! Wow, that's childish. But anyway…)** and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly **(Tits and belly? You're so modestly dressed!)**. I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it **(And you have your bellybutton pierced? That is just KAWAII, GURL!)**.

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth) **(Why is this in brackets? And I hope you die)**. Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff **(The tail?) **was blood-red. There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.) **(CRAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIN, DRACO IS INSIDE MEEEEEEEE! I AM JUST A SLUUUUUUUUUUT, AND I AM JUST SO GOTHIIIIIIIIIC, WHOOOOOOOOOA!)**

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too **(*sigh*)**. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant **(Black is a dark colour, how can you see it underneath?)**. And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys **(Pop, not poser. Does anyone else remember Backstreet Boys and their pretend gothic phase? No? Oh, well)**.

"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing **(Fuck me, not this again! Why do I expect any different?) **a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs **(The dress came up to MY thighs? How much bloody material is in this dress? They're in Scotland and I'm down by Wales!)** and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco came **(IT IS RUDE AND DISGUSTING TO MASTICATE IN PUBLIC BOYS!)**. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong **(Who cares?)**. The boys joined in cause they were bi. **(This is insulting)**

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel **(Bellybutton! I'm just going to call him Bellybutton instead of Neville/Navel now)** was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came** (WHY IS EVERYONE JIZZING? WHY?)**. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday **(So you know it's Dumbledore then?)**. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black. **(He dyed his rabbit? What the fuck, Dumbledore? Animal cruelty, I thought you'd be against that? But then again, you employ House Elves to cook and clean, so why am I surprised?)**

"….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped. **(Well, spank my ass and call me Susie! It's Dumbledore! Didn't see that one coming, like, last chapter)**

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!" **(I thought I was reading this to scare myself!)**

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?"

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1. **(I KNOW, RIGHT?111!ONEONEONE!)**

"BTW you can call me Albert." **(ALBERT? FUCKING ALBERT? WHAT IS THIS?) **HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we **(LMAO, WE-WE!) **to Transfomation **(TRANSFIGURATION!)**. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard) **(When has Gerard ever cried blood?)** but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted. **(Albert Dumbledore is about 110-120 – I can't be assed to work it out exactly, I'm writing this at 12am – in the 90s, hardly a midlife crisis!)**

I was so fucking angry. **(SO AM I!)**


	19. She's such a hypocritical selfish bitch

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11 **(Don't accept her thanks, you didn't do a good job)**

All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert **(You already went, they were death deelers in disguise, remember?)**. It had been postphoned, so we could all go.

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot). **(JUST STOP WITH THE BI STEREOTYPE!)**

"No one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz **(I can't…)**. He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) **(YOU JUST AREN'T FUNNY!)** I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing **(Belly fing? What is a belly fing?)**. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under **(Really don't care)**. (email me if u wana see da pik) **(Or just go on YouTube and watch the video!)**

"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled. **(You're so selfish! Listen to him when he wants to talk about his problems! Just because "IT'S SO HARD BEING THIS GOOD LOOKING, EVERYONE FANCIES ME, IT'S A CURSE!" is apparently more important! Okay, totally flew off the handle, but she deserves to be single. I know she's a character but ARGH! I think the stupidity of this story is leading me to a mental breakdown)**

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted.

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned.

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted. **(What's not what it looks like?)**

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!) **(JUST SHUT UP!)**. I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot. **(CONGRATULATIONS!)**

Suddenly Hargrid came **(AGAIN WITH THE JIZZING!)**. He had appearated. **(I thought he just came?)**

"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily dropping my pot. "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?"

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore. **(I thought you were mad at Draco?)**

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. "What are u wearing to the concert?"

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped. **(Everyone knows who MCR are. My PARENTS know who Gerard is, and they're in their 50s!)**

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2." **(OH MY SATAN, YOU ARE SUCH A POSR!) **He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u." **(IT'S HIS PENIS AGAIN)**


	20. Sirius Black stars in: The Dogfather

_Okay, so when I wrote the next... 6(? I think. I write a batch in one go) commmentaries I was slightly hungover (I didn't even have that much to drink! What's going on?) so my patience with this poor excuse for literature is even less than usual._

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><p>AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz. <strong>(I honestly didn't even bother to read that)<strong>

All day I wondered what the surprise was **(Probably his penis)**. Meanwhile, I pot on **(Here we go again) **a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots **(I could do with some compact books, I'm always putting on powder to keep greasy skin at bay. Oh, she meant combat boots?)**. MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one **(If I were My Chem, I wouldn't risk it. I mean, Voldemort could turn up again and I wouldn't want to be in close proximity to Tara. I mean Enoby)**. I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited **(That makes no sense. You slit your wrists while you moshed, presumably getting blood all over the walls, but you felt excited?)**. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes **(But you already got dressed! And really, do we need to know the clothes were black? We get it by now, you're gothic)** and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom **(Geddit, cuz I'm goffic?)**. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again **("Dear God, please let the person at the door be Draco so we can consummate our teenage relationship yet again because I know how much you approve of sex outside marriage. Amen")**.

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! "R u gonna cum rape me or what." **(Did you just invite him to rape you?)** I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo **("Hey, children, if you see Snape of Lupin, invite them to rape you because they're paedophiles!" WHAT? REALLY? NO DUMBLEDORE, YOU GET THEM THE HELL OUT OF THE SCHOOL! And also, isn't she seventeen, so it's not paedophilia if she's that age)**.

"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) **(OH DEAR LORD, I THINK I'M GOING TO PEE MYSELF WITH LAUGHTER OVER THE CLEVERNESS OF PUTTING "HELL" IN "ACTUALLY"!)** kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily. **(What the hell?)**

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally.

"Fuker." He said, gong away.

Well anyway, I put on **(Fuck my life) **some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went **(Away to die?)**. Den I gasped...Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1 **(Please don't do this to Dobby, I beg of you)**

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying **(Yeah, poor Dobby!)**. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking preps **(Not the fact that they are grown men and they more-or-less forced a House Elf to watch?)**. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now) **(Surprise surprise)**

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat) **(Yes, but not the other several thousands of words in here)**

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin shouted angrily.

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed. **(So if he said "Can I have some condemns to have sex with Snape?" you would've said yes?)**

"You dimwit!." Snake began 2 shoot angrily. And then...I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything. **(It is preferable to be naked when you have sex, yes)**

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "What was dat al about?"

"It wuz to blackmail u." I snarked. "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork. So fuck off, u bastards!" I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them **(Is this like that bit in **_**Family Guy**_** where Mickey Rooney steals other people's scabs?)** and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot.

"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him.

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." **(Resetting the orgasm counter again, kids)** Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?"

Then... he showed me his flying car. I gasped **(If I had a pound for every time she gasps in this thing…)**. It was a black car. He said his dogfather **(Did anyone else have the theme tune for _The Godfather_ start playing in their heads then? "You come to me on the day of my puppy's obedience classes?" Does he leave Hippogriff heads in the beds of his enemies?)** Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it. **(What a fucking lick ass)**

...I gasped. **(I think you should see a doctor about this breathing problem you have, it sounds like asthma)**

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing. **(Well, it is an MCR concert!)**

Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. I gapsed **(You really shouldn't be moshing if you have breathing difficulties)**, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim **(The Lord is testing me)**. Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing 'Helena' and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ...And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner. **(Serves you right, you bitch! You cheated on your sexah boyfriend with his ex after you wanted him to come to your room and fuck you! Slut.)**


	21. YOU ARE A GOOD FOR NOTHING WHORE!

_Continuing my hungover commentaries. I doubt this one will be published on the date of said hangover, but still. Don't mix drinks, kids. I can't believe it's 44 days until _Hallows Part II_ comes out. I get all emotional thinking about it._

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><p>AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed! <strong>(Again, I bypassed this obvious slap of a hand on the keyboard)<strong>

Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. "Draco are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice. **(No, you stupid whore, you made out with his ex!)**

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" **(FINALLY! Someone tells her what she is!)** he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way **(How do you run suicidally? Was he twirling a noose in his hand while he ran?)**. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide. **(WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T'VE BEEN SUCH A WHORE!)**

"Its ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortly. "Ill make him feel better." **(I bet he will! Actually, Harry/Vampire, you're just as bad as her)**

"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" **(Probably)** I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.

"Draco please come!" **(I bet that's what he wants!) **he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face **(Tears of blood and vampires, I've said it so many times I'm not going to elaborate. And "pail"? Is his face a bucket?)**. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz **(You're really an emo instead of a goth)**. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!) **(Remember that Lady Gaga song? "C**_**all me gay all you want, but there's no one home, and you're not gonna reach my homophone**_**")**

And then... we herd sum footsteps! **(HOLY SHIT, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW?)** Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke **(You stand under it and are invincible. But people can still see you)**. We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris **(Huh?)** there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come **(The cat had an orgasm now? Holy hell)**. He went unda da invisibility cloke **(So NOW it's an invisibility cloak?)** and started to meow loudly.

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris.

"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" Vampire said under his breast **(He lifted up a manboob and said it)** in a disgusted way.

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris **(Someone's got Spidey senses)**. Den he heard Filch meow. "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!"**(How does he know there's a cloak, its invisible!)** he asked. Filth nodded **(But he can't see the cat nod – I'm sorry, let me pause. That cat nodded? – because it's under the INVISIBILITY CLOAK!)**. And then...Vampir frenched me **(HARRY, YOU ARE A MANWHORE! YOU ARE WORSE THAN CHO CHANG!)**! He did it jus as... Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1

"WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school. **(He doesn't deserve you, you whore!)**

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?" **(Stop with the fake sympathy! You made out with his ex at the MCR gig, he saw you, and then when you were looking for him you made out again!)**

"I guess though." Draco weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other **(YOU ARE SUCH A SLUT!)**. Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin) **(Isn't that about crocodiles? Are they suicidal crocodiles?)** on the gothic red bed together **(Coffin)**. As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1 **(Fug? Well, I'm totally fug-ed off with this story and I should be in bed recuperating from my night out, but still)**


	22. Umbridge is related to Rumbleroar?

_The third hungover commentary. I said "I write a batch of them in one go, so this might be published several weeks from now and you're all thinking I have some drink problem because I'm constantly hungover when I write these things." I think I might write one drunk one time, that'd be funny. I'd probably sound like Tara. _

_The revision and adjustments to this commentary are fuelled by anger._

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><p>AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven's folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1 <strong>(Preps suck, Goths rok, stup flmmnig etc etc. We know the drill)<strong>

All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic **(You're making me feel miserable towards magic right now)**. Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas **(The hell? The leather looked like lace? And that must be so hot to sleep in!)**. Then I gasped. **(I'm keeping a tally of how many times she gasps in one chapter... 1)**

Standing in front of me where... B'loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow! **(Holy shit)**

I opened my crimson eyes **(Weren't you already awake, and then you saw them and gasped? Oh shit, here comes the paragraph of clothing descriptions)**. Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage **(?)** with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once **(Good for you)**. Darkness (who is Jenny) **(Jenny?) **was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle. It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire **(So are Ron, Ginny, Crabbe and Goyle – I refuse to call them by their gothic names – all brothers and sisters? Because I refuse to believe Arthur Weasley is a Death Dealer or whatever).** He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor **(Even though you stated earlier that you can only kill a vampire with a steak, medium rare…). **He had raped them and stuff before too **("**_**Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I possess" **_**Also, I'm sorry, but who would want to rape Goyle? Or Crabbe?****)**. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism. **(She made Arthur a rapist? I give up on life)**

"OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here?"

"Enoby something is really fucked up." Draco said. **(Yeah, your sexual escapades, you DIRTY WHORE)**

"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily. **(You are wearing your pajamas, calm the fuck down!)**

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice. **(SHE CHEATED ON YOU YESTERDAY AND YOU TELL HER SHE'S BEAUTIFUL? YOU HAVE NO BACKBONE AND DESERVE HER!)**

"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective." **(I just let out a huge snort of laughter at that. I hate it when my friends are erective too)**

"I will I will." he said.

So I just put on **(Please, I have a banging headache, I don't want to envision this horrible crime against fashion)** some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. Then I came **(Why do these people just keep orgasming randomly?) **We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her **(Also, if I had a pound for every time she throws someone the finger...)**. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge **(Is she related to Rumbleroar?) **was there too.

"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!" **(Please follow through with it, please follow through with it…)**

"THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge. **(PLEASE KILL THE STUDENTS, PLEASE KILL THE STUDENTS…)**

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! **(JESUS CHRIST, I'M DYING HERE!) **YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!" **(GOOD! BRING IT ON, BARK LORD! UNLEASH THE DOGS OF HELL!)**

"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she **(Oh, did Harry have a sex change?) **is in the school. And her name is...Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way." **(Of course it is! Hang on a minute, that isn't even her name! It's Ebony! And does he really need to put in all her gothic middle names?)**

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other...I gasped. **(I guessed you'd react like that. 2)**


	23. The boys want to poop next to her

_The forth commentary written while hungover. I actually think this was contributing to my headache, or maybe I should've just put my glasses on._

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><p>AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha! <strong>(In Hot Topic?)<strong>

The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us. **(I'm pretty sure 6 year olds know it's "saw" not "sawed") **

"MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!" **(WHAT? Mr Way? I like how Umbridge censors herself)** Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.

"Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her. "She means hi everybody cum in!" **(… My body is shaking in silent laughter and I have no idea why)**

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary **(I thought you were already in the Great Hall?)**. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo **(It'a Valo. And Crabbe and Goyle aren't twins)**. I eight **(Ate)** some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was...Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother. **(But Draco was sat next to you)**

"Vampire, Draco WTF?" I asked.

"You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1" **(Their relationship has gone to a whole new level, and I'm not 100% surprised)**

"No I do!" shouted.

"No she doesn't fucking like u, you son of a bitch!" yelled Draco. **(Draco, open your eyes. She cheated on you with him. She obviously likes him)**

"No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!" shouted Vampire. And then... he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) **(That'd be a change, what with this massive love triangle thingy going on)** They started to fight and beat up each other.

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn't stop. All of a sudden... a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick **(It's Voldemort, isn't it?)**. He had no nose and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney that fucking prep started to cry. Vampire and Draco stopped fighting...I shopped eating...Everyone gasped **(Honestly, if I had a pound for every time someone gasped in this thing, I'd take you all out for Starbucks or something. I seriously think I'd have enough money to do so)**. Da room fell silent...Volzemort! **(Saw that one coming a mile off)**

"Eboby...Ebony..." Darth Valer **(WHAT?) **sed evilly in his raspy voice. "Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!" **(Please, Voldemort/"Darth Valer", just kill them all!)**

"Plz don't make me kill him plz!" I begged.

"No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling. **(He'd take great pleasure in killing him, so he may as well do it)**

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me **(Sounds painful)**. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic **(Yeah… they really did…)**. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way. **(Well, you don't exactly slit them happily, do you?)**

"No!" I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision. **(Like she was having an orgasm, I expect. Although you usually shout "yes"… I'm tired.)**

"Ebony Ebony aure you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice.

"Yeah yeah." I said sadly as I got up.

"Everyfing's all right Enoby." said Vampire all sensetive.

"No its not!" I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. "OMFG what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!" **(Then someone should shove you down a well and do us all a favour)**

"Its ok gurl." said B'loody Mary. "Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though." **(Geddit, because she's goffik?)**

"Ok bich." I said sadly and den we went. **(I love that. "Ok, bitch". I'm going to start saying that to my friends)**

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><p><em>This is the last chapter for a few days. An exhibition of the work from my first year at uni (mine and my classmates) starts tomorrow, so I'll be setting up for opening night. Expect a new chapter midweek. :)<em>


	24. LANGUAGE, PROFESSOR SINISTER GATES!

_My fifth chapter of hungover commentary. This would've been posted sooner, but I've been busy with the exhibition. We opened on monday night and it went really well (apart from when some chavs came in and tried to eat all our food and drink all our Buck's Fizz. Dickheads) and I have my picture in the paper! _

_Thanks to everyone who continues to read and review, and to those who don't, please review! They make my day!_

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><p>AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 raven fagz 4 di help! <strong>(Because you are SO brilliant and making this fucking awful)<strong>

Well we had Deviation next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry about the visions. **(I thought you were asking Professor Sinister Gates or something?)**

"Konnichiwa everybody come in." said Proffesor Sinister in Japanese **(I thought it was Russian. Thanks for correcting me!)**. She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick **(Her lipstick sniffed you? What the fuck?)**. She's da coolest fucking teacher ever. She had long dead black hair **(Someone needs to sort out their split ends!)** with blood red tips and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire. She's also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. she n b'loody mry get along grate) **(That's good to know. And also totally predictable****) **She's really young for a teacher. 2day she was wearing **(Fuck my life!) **a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress **(A top and a dress?)**. We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong **(Is this some type of Greek God I missed out on in school?)**. I raced my hand. I was wearing some black naie Polish with red pentagrams on it. **(That's soooo cool!)**

"What is it Ebony?" she asked. "Hey I love ur nail polish where'd u get it, Hot Topik?" **(She's down with the kids)**

"Yeah." I answered. All the preps who didn't know what HT was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger **(Also, if I had a pound for every time she threw someone the finger – I was going to type "fingered someone". That could've been embarrassing – we could do Starbucks and a burger bar or something!)**. "Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?"

"Ho about now?" she asked. **(You have a class!)**

"OK." I said.

"OK class fucking dismissed every1." Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. "Except for you Britney." she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. "Please do exorcize (geddit) **(HA HA FUCKING HA!) **1 on page 3."

"OK I'm having lotz of visions." I said in a worried voice. I'm so worried is Draco gong 2 die. **(Well, maybe you should be. Voldemort wants to kill him or something, and he's obviously suicidal because he's slitting his wrists and running… "suicidally" and everything)**

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it.

"What do you c?" she asked. **("Nothing, Professor Sinisterly Trevolry, because it's black!")**

"I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram." **(No surprises there, then)**

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet **(Facet? What's that? Oh god, I hope it wasn't supposed to be corset!)**, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes.

"Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." said Proffesor Sinister. **(WHAT THE FUCK?)**

"Bye bitch." I said waving. **(Apparently she says this to teachers as well as her friends)**

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited. **(You were probably wearing the dress that's so low cut and it shows your clearage and your belly and boobs and it's ripped all over but you're not a slut or anything)**


	25. You fell asleep while he was inside you?

_It's 1.17 am right now, and I'm going through and editing and changing bits before I upload this chapter because I HAVE to upload this chapter for you guys right now. I stayed up to watch the LAST EVER, FINAL TRAILER FOR ANY HARRY POTTER FILM and I wanted to post this for you guys. Even though it completely MURDERS the books. If you haven't watched it yet, it's on Apple Trailers and on YouTube. You will need tissues. I just burst into tears at one bit. Let me know your opinions, thoughts and feelings on the trailer, as well as review this chapter!_

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><p>AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 <strong>(Bieber? He couldn't beat a pillow)<strong> n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1

I was so excited **(I was too, to see the new trailer until my computer decided to be a COMPLETE DICKHOLE and play sound and not visuals)**. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again **(That's all the you think about, isn't it? Sex, sex and more sex!)**. We went outside and then we went into Draco's black car.

"Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say." whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine. **(That's a total turn off for me, guys with nail varnish. Ew.)**

"She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret **(Heroin cabaret? Is this similar to a cocaine burlesque?) **and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork **(What?)**. He started to fly the car into a tree **(YES! PLEASE DIE!)**. We went to the top of it. Draco put on some MCR.

"And all the things that you never ever told me And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." sang Gerard's sexy voice. We started tiling of each other's cloves fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar **(Ew, sweaty tits and bits! No thanks!)**. I took of his black boxers. Then... he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily **(So much for foreplay with these kids)**.

"OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgasm **(THAT SOON?)**. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly... I fell asleep **(Not THAT good then?)**. I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair. **(I really shouldn't be surprised by now about all the goffik people but if only Voldemort could kill some preps, it'd be such a turn up for the books)**

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car. **(He ran in a car? What?)**

"No! Oh my fucking god!11" I shouted in a scared voice.

"Ebony what's wrong?" Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes. **(Um, she fell asleep while you were inside her, that's what's wrong in this situation!)**

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face **(Blood, vampire…)**. I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile **(Mobile phones don't work in Hogwarts because of the amount of magic around…)**. Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where... Lucian and Serious!111 **(Both of whom have black hair, as I recall!)**


	26. Her dad is Sirius Black now!

_Only two weeks until _Hallows Part II! _Who else is excited?_

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><p>AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11 <strong>(Do I even need to make a comment here?)<strong>

A few mutates later Vampire came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather Jackson **(As in Michael?)**, black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt. **(I don't know why they pride themselves upon being Goths and listen to Good Charlotte, one of the most ungothic bands)**

"Hi Vampire." I said flirtily **(She's such a whore) **as I started to sob. Draco hugged me sexily **(What's a sexy hug and what does it look like?)** tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood **(I exhaled heavily here) **and then told them what happened.

"Oh fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly **(Well you don't cry happily, do you?)**. "What fucking dick did that!" **(I know this comment is redundant in reference to this story, seeing as everyone is so OOC, but Harry wouldn't swear about it and cry like some pansy-ass bitch, he'd get off his ass and sort it out himself)**

"I don't know." I said. "Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor."

We ran out of the tree **(And plummeted to our deaths) **and in2 da castle. Dumblydor was sitting in his office.

"Sire are dads have been shot!" **(Enobooby's dad is Sirius?) **Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. "Enoby had a vision in a dreem."

Dubleodre started to cockle **(As in the things on the seashore?)**. "Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?" **(Well, she subtracted her clothes, divided her legs and multiplied with both Draco and Harry) **

I glared at Dumbledore.

"Look motherfucker." he said **(Who said?)** angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter) **("Toot of crakter"?)**. "U know very well that I'm not decisional **(True. She can't decide whether to be with Harry or Draco!)**. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!" **(Pornto?)**

"Okay." he said in a intimated voice. "Were are they?"

I fought about it **(You had a fight about it?)**. Then all of a sudden….. "Longdon." I said. I told him which street. He went and called some people **(With a phone that didn't work because of all the magic around Hogwarts that renders electrical devices unusable)** and did some stuff. After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again **(Dear Lord, this is boring!)**. He said that they had been found. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office **(Why?)** while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room **(Because he had no parents to be shot?)**. We looked at each other's gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1 **(Surely they'd be taken to Mungo's, not Hogwarts. And why is it so surprising that Professor Sinister is behind them?)**


	27. Voldemint: a Breath Eater

_Hey guys! I've just goit back from my holiday and I'm quickly posting this before I go to see _Philosopher's Stone_ in the cinema one last time! I can't believe it's one week until it's all over! :'(_

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><p>AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111<p>

Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. **(No, Dumbledore sent people to look for them) **Drako, Lucian, Serious bond Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.

"Cum on Enoby." **(WHAT?) **said Proffesor Sinatra. She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. "I have to tell you the fucking perdition." **(What?)**

I locked at Lucian, Serifs **(Is this like a font or something?)**, Drake and Vampire. They nodded.

I smelled happily **(Um… ew?)** and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball. She said… "Tara **(I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE)**, I see drak times are near." She said badly **(Like how this is written badly?)**. She peered into da balls **(I SHOULDN'T BE LAUGHING AT THIS, I'M ALMOST TWENTY!)**. "You see, you must go back in time." She took out a Time-Toner **(The new anti-aging cream for witches, courtesy of Madame Pomfrey)** like B'loody Mary had. "When Voldemint **(It's a breath eater *BUD A BOOM, TSSSK!*)** was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth broken **(I hope he fixed his fireplace!)**. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" I shook my head. "U must go back in time and sedouce him **(Oh holy mother… I haven't read this in years so I can't remember this bit)**. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it."

"Okay." I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin **(What?)**. I went outside again sadly.

"What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire.

"Yeah what happened?" asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary? **(I'm Ron Burgundy?)**

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond. Everyone was proud of me **(I'm sure they were) **butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. They were cheesing my name **(Cheesing your name?)** and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz **(HIM's more of a gothic band than Good Charlotte, think about that the next time you talk about posers)**- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. Even Mr. Noris looked happy **(Aww, the transsexual cat was happy!)**. A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley's Whizard Wises **(Fred's spinning in his fictional grave right now)**.

I put on my Invisibility coke with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether. **(For a threesome, right?)**


	28. Videocameras dont work in Hogwarts!

_I was going to post this chapter tomorrow as a tribute the Hallows Part II or something like that, but I plan on spending tomorrow away from the computer (I'm addicted to Tumblr and there'll be "spoilers" - I class it as stuff they've added in or taken out of the films, rather than the plot because the book's been out for four years - and although I've read the detailed reviews from the surprise test screening in April I don't want to SEE anything until I'm sat in the cinema at 8.30pm tomorrow). I hope you all enjoy it. It was released in Australia yesterday (13th) and some have said it was the best film and they couldn't stop crying. The soundtrack is astounding too. _Courtyard Apocalypse_ and _A New Beginning _are especially emotional._

_Jo, thank you for my childhood. And Tara, thanks for fucking it up._

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><p>AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat ok!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi!1111111 <strong>(What?)<strong>

We went in2 a blak room. The wallz were blak with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason **(All very gothic) **all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, fishnet suckings and a blak leather thong underneath. **(Why does this girl wear leather underwear? Does she just shop in fetish shops all the time? Do you need to go to a specialist place to get leather underwear, like John Doe and the S&M place in **_**Se7en**_**?)**

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. So did Drako and Vampire.

"Are you okay?" Vampir asked potting his albastard **(I snorted through my nose here)** hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish **(I swear I've said it before, but boys who wear nail varnish don't do it for me)**. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it. **(Ooh, nice! Not)**

"Yah I guess." I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. "The problem is….I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time" **(Which you will enjoy, no doubt)**

Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him. **(I'm sorry, but who is going to fuck Voldemort? Shouldn't you be hugging her? Even though I hate her) **

"Itz okay Eboby." he said finally. "But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?" **(Probably, after she bangs Voldie and realises he is the Lord of Sex as well as the Dark Lord)**

"Of coarse not!" I gasped.

"Really?" he asked.

"Sure." I said.

We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly. **(Voyeur!)**

Then… I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone **(Stallone? Like Sylvester?)**. He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. Black roses were around it. I gasped **(She's never done that before...)**. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way **(Of course he did. And Joel Madden. And Billie Joe Armstrong. And Marilyn Manson)**. Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4). **(Even though you have a history of issues with people filming you, but whatever)**

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif. **(That good huh? Seeing as you fell asleep the last time)**

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock **(Spock? As in "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock"?) **in my you-know-what and passively we did it.

"I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u." **(You're having sex but not feeling each other? Sounds a bit weird to me) **he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. **(So you came, but you weren't paying attention to each other?) **Suddenly….

"WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!"

It was….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111 **(I'd like to know the exact same thing, expel them, expel them all!)**


	29. Snape is also a Rihanna fan

_It's been a while since I last updated! I hope all of you are doing well and you all enjoyed _Deathly Hallows! _I cried as soon as the Warner logo came up on screen, it's the most I've ever cried at a Potter film. From the boathouse scene (I'm not being overly specific in case some of you haven't seen it yet) until the end I was more or less crying constantly! The week before my local cinema showed one _Potter_ film per day, starting on the 8th with _Philosopher's Stone_ and ending on the 14th with _Hallows Part I_, £21 for seven films! Sooooo cheap! _

_Anyway, here's chapter 29 of this poor excuse for a story. Don't forget to review! I love receiving reviews! :)_

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><p>AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111 <strong>(Do I really need to make a snarky comment here after 29 chapters?)<strong>

"Oh my satan!1" **(Of course) **we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily.

"CUM NOW!1!" **(But they just did!) **Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel **(There was caramel in this? That's a bit messy) **and put it in his pocket.

"Hey what the fuck!111" Vampire shooted angrily.

"Yeah buster **(BUSTER? Who says that anymore?) **what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?" **(Masticate to it, I expect) **Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. **(Conjunctivitis is not gothic. It's itchy and painful)** "Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango's. So give back da camera!1111"

Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly. **(Snoop? Snoop Dogg is in this? Is this like _Imma Wiserd_? Oh, and did anyone else hear Tom Felton's team checked him in to a hotel in Rio under the name "Snoop Hoggy Hogwarts"?)**

"Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!" **(Another great insult)** yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum **(I could've done without that mental image)** into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111). **(What was that?)**

I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1) **(Oh, well if Raven said it…)**. Vampire took out a black honkerchief **(I can't stop giggling at "honkerchief") **and started to wipe my red eyes.

And then….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic **(They could've pulled them out their pockets using their… hands!)**. They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand.

"Crosio!" I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets **(They had performed _Swan Lake_ and _The Nutcracker_)**. I STOPPED DA CURSE **(GOOD FOR YOU)**. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up **(_Incarcerous_**. She took out a box of tools. Den she said "OK Serverus I'm going 2 go now." She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry. **(Pussy Potter cries a lot in this)**

"It's ok Enoby." said Draco. "Evergreen will be all right **(They flourish all year round and never drop leaves!)**. Remember the cideo u took of Snake."

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111 **(Sticks and stones may break his bones but chains and whips excite him)**


	30. NOT JAKE GYLLENHAAL YOU BITCH!

_You know I wrote a few chapters while hungover earlier in the story? Well, last week I wrote some while drinking. Lets see how this turns out._

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><p>AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux <strong>(Alzheimer's is dangerous when it's advanced) <strong>. fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111

"No!11" we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing **(I have a mental image of Snape laughing with loaves of bread coming out of his mouth)** meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly **("Anvilly"? One, that's not even a word. Two, isn't an anvil an explosive?)**. Then... he came tords Darko **(STAY AWAY FROM JAKE GYLLENHAAL!)**!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle.

"What the fuck r u doing!" I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants **(Oh dear god, we're going to see his "other wand"!)**. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11! **(WHAT THE FUCK?)**

He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me.

"U must stab Vrompire." **(DO IT, HE'S A HORRIBLE CHARACTER, AND IF JK KNEW WHAT SHE'S DOING TO HARRY SHE'D GO APESHIT)** he said to me. "If u don't then I'll rap Draco!1" **(This actually probably exists in a few weird fanfics out there)**

"No you fucking bastrad!1" I yielded.

But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) **(Yep, you've used that one before, it took me like, 10 minutes to work out what you meant before I discovered it was really not funny)** between Kurt Cobain and Gerard **(So she likes Nirvana now? They are pretty damn awesome. On an unrealated note, if you are a Nirvana fan, read the Kurt Cobain biography **_**Heavier Than Heaven**_**. It's really good)**. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair **(You are such a whore. This isn't even like a love-triangle, she's just being damn greedy. It's almost like **_**Twilight**_** – why did Bella kiss Jacob? It never came across clearly in the books that she liked him? Anyway, I digress)**. I thought of da time when we screwed **(In Care of Magical Creatures in front the whole class?) **and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came **(Eww, Dumbledore!)** and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive **(Didn't you fuck him then too?)**.

Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort **("Our Dark Lord, who art in Malfoy Manor, tabooed is thy name…")**. He started to do an incapacitation dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire **(That sentence doesn't make sense. I think she means initiation, not incapacitation)**. Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers **(WHAT FUCKING VAMPIRE POWERS? THE ONES THAT LET YOU CRY BLOOD WHEN YOU HAVE NONE?)** I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape.

"Dumbeldork will get u!" Draco shooted.

"Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11" Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand.

"You ridiculus dondderhed!111" Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico's clothes. Just as he was about to rape him... **(That's not a very nice mental image)**

"Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound **(She's pulling a Mickey Rooney again) **Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio.

"You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-" shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came **(Snape and Severus are the same person!)**

Snake put the whip behind his bak. "Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing." he lied. But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said 'Come on Ebony let's go **(And then I went to get a beer or something)**


	31. Voldemortserum, to shine up bald heads

_This is my second chapter of slightly intoxicated writing. If my writing ever starts to look like Tara's (bad spelling, etc) in the upcoming chapters, it's because I was pretty drunk._

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><p>AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 <strong>(WHAT?)<strong> stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111

"I always knew u were on Voldemort's side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111)." **(What has that misspelling of "bitch" got to do with **_**Buffy?**_** And why does Sirius seem to know about **_**Buffy**_** in order to say it in the first place?)** Serious said 2 Snape.

"No I'm not I was teaching them somefing!1" Snap clamed.

"Oh fucking yeah?" I took some blak Volremortserum **("Voldemortserum"! It's "Veritaserum")** out of my poket and gave it to Serverus **(Good, I want to know the truth)**. He made Snap dirnk it **(But Severus is Snape!)**. He did arngrily. Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap **(…what?)**. Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times **(For what?)**. Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort **(She is a sex maniac, this one)**. Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. Hermoine, Darkness and Willow came too **(An all-girl foursome? Whoa, she called her Hermione, not B'loody Mary. And I've always wondered why there's an apostrophe in the middle of "Bloody")**. B'loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid's store.

"Whatz in da bag?" I asked Profesor Trevolry.

"U will c." she said. I opened thee bag. In it was **(Here we go…)** a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress **(Why is it a gothic dress? How can you tell?)**. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen **(She can't put on tights and shoes by herself?)**. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick.

"You look fucking kawaii, bitch." B'loody Mary said. **(You look like a douche, bitch)**

"Fangs." I said. **(HAHAHA, OH MY SATAN, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!)**

"Ok now you're going to go back in tim." said Proffesor Sinister. "U will have to do it in a few sessionz." She gave me a blak gun. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill **(Yes, like that time in **_**Resident Evil**_** when Milla Jovovich put a gun in her fishnets on her quest to kill Voldemort in the past? Good times, guys, good times)**. Then she gave me a black time-tuner. "After an hour use da time torner to go back here." Proffesor Trevolry said. Then she and B'loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me. Every1 went in front of it.

"Good luk!1" Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth's touch sin **(WHAT IS THAT? DETH'S TOUCH SIN?)**. Then... I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive. **(How can you jump sexily? Do you moan orgasmically, or pout while you jump?)**

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black **(Of course)**. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was...Tom Bombodil!1111 **(Now, I know from going on some sites that this Tom Bombodil guy is a character from a game or something? And that's why people think this is a crackfic, not a really poor story)**


	32. Tom Satan Riddle goes to Hogwarts Skull

_Chapter three of intoxicated writing! At this point I was still sober enough to correct my misspellings etc. Have any of you guys got your Pottermore welcome email yet? The wait is making me insane! As usual, please review! :)_

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><p>AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111 <strong>(I KNOW! IT'S 11PM ON FRIDAY NIGHT AND I'M GETTING DRUNK WHILE TAKING THE PISS OUT OF YOUR STORY!)<strong>

"Hi." I said flirtily. "Im Enoby Way da new student." I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him.

"Da name's Tom." he said. "But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam" **(Tom Satan Riddle. Gotta say, it isn't as stupid sounding as "Marvolo")**

We shok hands. "Well come on we have 2 go upstairs." Satan said. I followed him. "Hey Satan...do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?" (sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den) **(Yes, she went about 15 years back in time, to when the 60-odd year old Voldemort was still in school. -.-)** I asked.

"Oh my fuking god, how did u know?" Satan gasped. "actually I like gc a lot too."(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80s) **(Yes, because he was in school in the 80s, not hiding in Albania wanting his body back for world domination. Also, I went to Albania once. I wouldn't particularly want to go back)**

"omg me too!" I replied happily.

"guess what they have a concert in hogsment." satan whispered. **(AGAIN. I BET YOU'RE GONNA FUCK HIM TOO AGAINST A TREE NEXT TO A FLYING MERCEDES AND THEN PROFESSOR DIPPETT WILL BE ALL "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?")**

"hogsment?" I asked.

"yeah that's what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000." **(How would he know this if they're in the 80s?) **he told me all sekrtivly. "and theres a really cool shop called Hot-"

▒topic!" I finshed, happy again.

He froned confusedly. "noo its called Hot Ishoo." **(WHAT?)** He smiled skrtvli again. "then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic." he moaned. **(Again, does he have some type of forward-Time Turner?)**

"ohh." now everything was making sense for me **(Trust me babe, it isn't making sense for the rest of us)**. "so is dumblydor your princepill?" I shouted.

"uh-huh." he looked at his black nails. "im in slitherin'"

"OMfG SHME TOO!" I SHRIEDKED.

"u go to this skull?"(geddit cos im goffik) **(I DID NOT KNOW YOU SAID THAT BECAUSE YOU WERE GOTHIC!)** he asked.

"yah that's why im here im NEW." I SMELLED HAPPili. **(TAKE A DEEP INHALE, ENOBOOBY!)**

Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. "NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters. "STUPID GOFFS!" **(I love prep Dumbledore!)**

satan rolled his eyes. "his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we're in slytherine **("SLYTHERIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!" He's turning into AVPM Snape!)** and we're not preps."

I turned around angrily. "actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord." **(Don't give it away you shit!)**

"wtf?" he asked angrily.

"oh nuffin." I said sweetly. **(…)**

then suddenlyn... the floor opened. "OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly."

"hey where r u goin?" satan asked as I fell. **(DO YOU HONESTLY THINK SHE KNOWS WHERE SHE'S GOING WHEN THE FUCKING FLOOR JUST OPENED UP AND SWALLOWED HER YOU STUPID GOTH?)**

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry's classroom. dumblydum wuz dere. "dumblydore I think I just met u." I said.

"oh yeah I rememba that." dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik. **(How can you try to remember things gothically?)**

sinister came in. "hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?"

:"um." I looked at her.

"oh yeaH I forgot bout that." **(About what?)**

"wth how?" I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok. **(Yeah, it's alright to swear at your teachers if they're goth)**

professor sinster looked sad. "um I was drinking voldemortserum." she started to cry black tears of depression. dumblydum didn't know about them.

"hey r u crying tears of blood?" he asked curiously, tuching a tear. **(NO, IT'S TEARS OF JAM!)**

"fuck off!" we both said and dumblydum took his hand away.

professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. "omfg enoby...I think im addicted to Voldemortserum." **(IT'S LIKE MDMA, BUT VOLDEMORT-ER!)**

AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112


	33. Ebony needs a sex education lesson

_I can't remember what chapter of beer-commentary this is, but it's the last one, and the drunkest one. Sorry I've taken forever to upload, I'm starting my second year of uni next week (joy of joys. I really don't want to go back, but the only reason why I am is because I only have this year and I've finished, and I get a qualification) and I seem to have left all my summer work until the last minute... Ah well._

_Hope you enjoy this chapter and review!_

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><p>AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don't lik da story den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1 <strong>(DO NOT. LET. HER. HELP. YOU.)<strong>

"Oh my fuking god!1" I shooted sadly. "Shud we get u 2 St Manga's, bitch?" **(I can't remember what happened last time to make her want to go to… St Mangas)**

"Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?" **(Find the magical fish and ask – WHO IS TOM ANDERSON?)**

"Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas. **(His pyjamas is JUST a GC top? That's like my pjs when it's really hot!)**

"Hey Sexxy." I said.

"How'd it go Enoby?" he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking. **(Fuck off. Gerard isn't even gothic)**

"Fine." I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.

"How far did u go wif Satan?" Drako asked jealously. **(Ooooooh, green isn't your colour, Draco!)**

"Not 2 far, lol." I borked.

"Will you hav to do it with him?" Draco asked angstily.

"I hop not 2 far!111" I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched.

"What happened 2 Snipe?" I growled.

"U will see." Draco giggled mistressly. **(What?)** He opened a door...Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife. **(I don't understand why Lupin is a bad guy)**

"NOOOO PLZ!1111" Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically. I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz) **(I barely understood any of that. They're paedos – even though they aren't children anymore – and Snape tried to rape who? And what has Shark Attack got to do with this?)**. We took sum of Snipe's blod den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. (if u haven't herd of it den FUK U!111) **(FUCK ME BECAUSE I DON'T WATCH YOUR GOTHIC FILMS! I WATCH NOLAN'S BATMAN SERIES AND HARRY POTTER AND ARMAGEDDON AND THE ISLAND AND 21 GRAMS AND SE7EN, WHICH ARE AWESOME FILMS, SO FUCK YOU TARA YOU GOTH!)**. I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on ▒desolition liverz' by MCR **(I gotta say, Demolition Livers *heavy exhale* is my favourite song from **_**Bullets**_**)**. Den...we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz **(LAUGH OUT LOUD AT HIS RIPPED PHYSIQUE!)**. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge **(I've never watched the Grudge so I'm going to interpret this from what I know about it: it was like making out with a freaky demented child? With what is actually and most likely Ebony's regular eye-makeup?)**. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. **(You have the wetness! You're the girl!)** I gut an orgy. **(Just like that?)**

"Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation. **(YOU NEED A LESSON IN BIOLOGY, GURRRRRRRRRL! First he gets the erection, then he puts it in your "wetness", then you move about and THEN you get your orgy. But it's an orgasm, not sex with multiple partners)**

"I luv u TaEbory." **(I WISH A HARRY POTTER CHARACTER WOULD SAY HE LOVED ME! You know what? Next chapter of **_**Getting Ron Back**_**, Fred's gonna say "I love you LorHermione". SELF-INSERTION INTO A FANFIC, BOOOOOOM!)** he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol. **(HAHAHA, YOU FUCKED AND FELL ASLEEP! That's not funny)**


	34. Linda Blair stars in: The Exercise

_I haven't updated in forever! I really don't want this to end! It's so much fun to write this, and I'm so glad you all enjoy it. The next three chapters after this are drunk commentaries again, fun fun fun!_

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><p>AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story!11 u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1<p>

I wook up in da coffin de next day **(7am ****wakin' ****up ****in ****the ****morning****…****)**. Draco waz gone. I got up and put on **(****…****gotta ****get ****dressed, ****gotta ****go ****downstairs) **a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end **(There ****is ****a ****spellcheck ****in ****every ****word ****processing ****program, ****right?)**. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees **(Well ****I****'****m ****wearing ****straight-****leg ****jeans ****and ****a ****red ****knitted ****oversized ****sweater****…****)**. There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth **(I ****love ****that ****Hollywood ****is ****more ****accepting ****to ****cross-****dressers ****and ****same-sex ****relationships)**. I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots **(I****'****m ****sorry, ****this ****HAS ****to ****be ****a ****troll. ****Stilton ****boots? ****Your ****boots ****were ****made ****out ****of ****cheese? ****And ****smelly ****cheese ****at ****that!)**. Suddenly... Sorious cocked on da doorn **(COCKED ****ON ****THE ****DOOR? ****Did ****he ****whack ****his ****wang ****on ****it ****or ****something?)**. I hopened it.

"Hi Ibony." he said. "Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor▓s office." **(I ****wouldn****'****t ****mind ****if ****Sirius ****Black ****said ****that ****to ****me, ****without ****the ****Professor ****Sinister****'****s ****office ****bit. TMI?)**

"Ok." I said in a deprezzd voice **(I ****think ****her ****depressed ****voice ****is ****like ****Ross ****Geller ****in ****the ****early ****series ****of **_**Friends **_**when ****he ****used ****to ****do ****the**** "…****hi****" ****greeting)**. I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence **(Hmmm****… ****sex ****with ****Draco ****Malfoy ****or ****listen ****to ****MCR? ****Hard ****choice****…****)**. I came anyway. **(Yes ****you ****did, ****you ****are ****a ****ho ****fo****' ****sho)**

"So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?" I asked Sorious flirtily. **(Hang ****on****… ****didn****'****t ****we ****decide ****Sirius ****was ****her ****dad ****a ****few ****chapters ****back? ****INCEST! ****INCEST!)**

"I fucking tortured them." he answered in a statistic way **(****… ****wut?)**. "They r in Abkhazian now, lol." **(That****'****s ****a ****gothic ****thing t****o ****say, ****I ****hear ****Goths ****saying**** "****lol****" ****all ****the ****time)**

I laughed evilly.

"Where r Draco and Vampira?" I muttered. **(Who ****is ****Vampira ****again? ****Has ****Harry ****had ****a ****sex ****change?)**

"Dey are xcused form skool 2day." Sodomize **(SHE ****DOES ****KNOW ****WHAT ****THAT ****MEANS, ****DOESN****'****T ****SHE?) **moaned sexily **(I ****think ****Sirius ****is ****having ****an ****orgy, ****as ****Tara ****would ****say)**. "Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas." **(Cool, ****a ****gothic ****film ****for ****gothic ****children****)**

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there **(Well, ****you ****are ****in ****her ****office****…****)**. She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic **(What ****picture?)**

She wuz drinking some Volximortserum. **(Shame ****on ****you!)**

She took out da Pensiv **(THE ****PENISY? ****DOES ****THAT ****SAY ****PENISY? ****What ****is ****even ****better ****is ****that ****Microsoft ****Word ****recognises ****the ****word**** "****penisy****"****!) **and the time-torner.

"Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited." she said sadly. "Good luck. Fangz!" **(This ****reminds ****me ****of **_**8 **__**Simple **__**Rules **_**when ****Bridget ****broke ****up ****with ****Donny ****on ****the ****videotape ****his ****parents ****sent ****to ****his ****Navy ****college ****and ****she ****was ****like**** "****I ****think ****we ****should ****see ****other ****people, ****good ****luck ****at ****war ****and ****stuff, ****BYE!****"****)**

And then...I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around...I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula **(Gotta ****grab ****my ****bowl, ****gotta ****have ****cereal****… ****I****'****ve ****been ****wishing ****there ****was ****a ****part ****in ****this ****chapter ****where ****I ****could ****say ****that!) **It was mourning. I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes **(They ****are ****the ****gothiest ****shoes ****around. ****Forget ****New ****Rocks, ****you ****need ****baseball ****shoes!)**. He looked just like Charlyn Manson **(Is ****that ****supposed ****to ****be ****Marilyn ****Manson ****or ****Charles ****Manson, ****or ****a ****mixture ****of ****both?)**. I noticed...he was drinking a portent.

"Whose he!11" I asked.

"Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn." **(Ha, ****slut)** Satan said. "He▓s da Portents teacher...Ebony?"

"Yah?" I asked.

"Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat." **(LMFAO, **_**THE **__**EXERCISE!**_** "****And ****bend, ****and ****stretch, ****hold ****in ****your ****abs, ****and ****projectile ****vomit! ****Feel ****that ****burn!****"****)**

"Yah?"

"Well...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?" **(CUH-LIFF ****HANGER!)**


	35. Brewing Potions LIKE A BOSS!  For Snape

_As a Halloween treat (or trick), here's a super scary chapter of _My Immortal! _It's no different to any other chapter to be honest, they're all scary._ _I'm doing the drunk commentary again! Woohoo!_

**_On this day in Harry Potter:_**

_1492: Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington was beheaded_

_1981: James and Lily Potter were murdered by Lord Voldemort. When he attempted to kill baby Harry, the Killing Curse rebounded, defeating Voldemort for the first time. The first Wizarding War had ended._

_1991: The first year Charms class was taught _Wingardium Leviosa_. Ron Weasley teased Hermione Granger, leading her to hide in the girl's toilets. A troll was released into the castle by Professor Quirrell. Harry and Ron saved Hermione from the troll, which resulted in their becoming friends. Professor Snape attempted to protect the Philosopher's Stone from Quirrell and was attacked by Fluffy the three-headed dog._

_1992: The trio attend Nearly Headless Nick's 500th deathday party. Ginny Weasley, under the influence of the diary of Tom Riddle, opens the Chamber of Secrets. Filtch's cat, Mrs Norris, is petrified by the basilisk. A message reads _"THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE"

_1993: Sirius Black gets into Hogwarts castle, passing the Dementors at the entrance by using his Animagus form. He attacks the Fat Lady, guardian of Gryffindor Tower, when she does not let him in to the common room. The students are forced to sleep in the Great Hall while teachers, prefects and ghosts search for him._

_1994: Fred and George Weasley use an age potion to cross the age line around the Goblet of Fire. Their plan backfires, leaving them with grey beards. In the evening, the Triwizard Champions are selected: Viktor Krum for Durmstrang, Fleur Delacour for Beauxbatons, Cedric Diggory for Hogwarts, and a surprise fourth champion: Harry Potter._

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><p>AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun <strong>(NO! <strong>**I ****LOVE ****WRITING ****THIS ****COMMENTARY!)** so FUK U!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 fangz. **(Gothic ****names? ****For ****Sirius? ****Sirius ****Black ****sounds ****a ****bit ****gothy ****to ****me ****anyway)**

I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped...Draco wuz there!111 **(What ****is ****Draco ****doing ****in ****the ****past?)**

I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak **(I ****don****'****t ****know ****about ****Lonken ****Prak, ****but ****you ****are ****a ****Lonken ****Prat)** t-shrit and blak eyeliner.

"Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111" I gosped.

"Huh?" he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn't Draco. It was Lucan!1 **(Whoa, ****she ****even ****had ****me ****going ****there! M****aking ****me ****think ****she ****was ****more ****stupid!)** He stil had two arms. **(****… ****wut? ****What****'****s ****that ****got ****to ****do ****with ****anything?)**

"Oh hi Lucian!1" I sed. "Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz." **(Running ****commentary.**** "****Hi ****Lucian ****I****'****m ****the ****new ****student ****we ****shook ****hands****"****)**

"Yah Satan told me abot you." Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz **(I****'****ll ****pay ****you ****to ****find ****me ****a ****group ****of ****goth ****guys ****that ****I ****would ****find ****attractive)**. They where siting in a corner kutting. It wuz Serious, Vampire's dad and...Snap! All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts **(Because ****apparently, ****Good ****Charlotte ****were ****around ****in ****the ****80s, ****the ****Marauders ****were ****in ****Hogwarts ****in ****the ****80s, ****and ****Voldemort ****was ****their ****age)**. "Lizzen I'm in a goth band wif those guys." he said. "Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up. **(Of ****course ****you ****are)**

"ORLY." I ESKED. **(OYA.)**

"Yeah." he said. "Were calld XBlakXTearX. **(When ****they ****tell ****people ****the ****names ****of ****their ****bands ****in ****this ****thing, ****do ****they ****say ****"****I****'****m ****in ****a ****band ****called ****ex-Black-ex-Tear-ex****"****?)** I play teh gutter **(Well, ****you****'****re ****gonna ****sleep ****with ****Ebony, ****so ****you ****do ****play ****in ****the ****gutter)**. Spartacus **(DA ****FUK?)** plays da drums" he said ponting to him. "Snap plays the boss **(Snape ****is ****the ****boss. ****If ****he ****was ****a ****chav, ****his ****friends ****would ****call ****him**** "****The ****Don****"****)**. And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring." **(Yeah, ****an ****early ****2000 ****release ****date ****charts ****as ****the ****80s ****in ****this)**

"Hey bastards." **(HA!)** I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin **(Didn****'****t ****we ****come ****across ****this ****before?)**. Suddenly I gasped again. "But don't u have a lead singer!" I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly. **(She****'****s ****gonna ****be ****their ****singer, ****isn****'****t ****she?)**

"We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists." **(What ****a ****shame)**

"Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1" I gasped. **(It****'****s ****so ****fucking ****STUPID!)**

"Its okay but we need a new led snigger." Samaro said. **(Say ****whaaaaaa?)**

"Wel...I said Im in a bnad myself."

"Rilly?" asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111 **(He****'****s ****the ****fucking ****gothicist**** – ****if ****that****'****s ****a ****word. ****If ****not, ****I ****just ****made ****that ****shit ****up ****- ****character ****in ****Harry ****Potter ****you ****mediocre ****dunce)**

"Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?" **(NO, ****PLEASE ****GOD ****NO)**

Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) **(Fuck ****off)** Gurn Day.

"I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz." **(Heeeeeee!) **I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. Every1 gasped.

"Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1" begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap.

"Um...ok." I shrugged. "Are we gong to play tonight?" **(Um****… ****yeah?)**

"Yah." they said.

"Ok." I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit **(Of ****course ****you ****did!)**. I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time **(THE ****FUCKING ****TIME ****TONER ****YOU ****PRAT!)**. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz...Morty Mcfli!1 **(WHAT ****THE ****FUCK?)** He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans. **(Even ****Michael ****J ****Fox ****is ****a ****bloody ****goth!)**

"What da hell r u dong here!11" I asked.

"I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby." **(I ****bet ****she****'****d ****like ****to ****go ****forward ****in ****Tim!*****wink ****wink ****nudge ****nudge!*)** he said siriusly Den...he took out a blak tim machine **(Yeah)**. I went in2 it and...sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111 **(I ****don****'****t ****know ****why ****she****'****s ****so ****surprised, ****it ****is ****a ****TIME ****MACHINE!)**

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><p><em>What are you doingwho are you being for Halloween?_


	36. Socrates, Samaro and Cornilio Fuck

_Chapter 2 of drunk commentary: the second coming. That's what she said! Ahaha, I'm so funny(!)_

_It sounded like you all had great Halloweens! I'd love to see some pictures of your costumes! My Halloween comprised of going to the dentist (I have near-perfect oral hygiene, so it wasn't the frightening experience I was expecting for Halloween), then to my boyfriends for dinner. I put a white shirt and black cardigan on over my jeans and dressed as a Gryffindor student (complete with Gryffindor tie, scarf and the Elder Wand, which my boyfriend got me for our 4 year anniversary). Even though we only ate sweets and watched _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ in bed, I feel strange if I don't dress up._

_I turned 20 on saturday, and I'm now going on my social networks/blogs/whatever and changing the age my profiles. As my cousin so nicely pointed out to me, "it means when filling out forms you have to check the '20-29' box now". Cheers, Joe._

_The chapter after this is where I was preeeetty drunk and my typing was terrible. I'll post an spell-checked version on here and the unedited on my blog._

_As always, I hop you enjoy this chapter. I'm now off to sniffle and groan my way through uni work with what appears to be nature's birthday present: a cold._

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><p>AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111 <strong>(You d<strong>**on****'****t h****ave ****to ****be ****70 ****to ****know ****this ****is ****stupid)** ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111

I loked around in a depresed way. Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. B"lody Mary, Socrates **(SOCRATES? ****Did ****she ****get ****in ****the ****Flux ****Capacitor ****or ****use ****the ****Tim ****Toner?) **and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to.

"OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111" **(I ****CAN****'****T ****BELIEVE ****YOU ****CAN****'****T ****FUCKING ****SPELL!)**

"Yah I no." Serious said sadly.

"Oh hey there bitch." **(Can ****I ****use ****this ****at ****uni? ****Would ****I ****get ****expelled ****from ****my ****course?)** Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom. **(She ****has ****issues)**

Hi fuker." I said **(No. ****I ****want ****to ****say ****THIS ****at ****uni!)**. "Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I"m playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too." **(Of ****course ****you ****do! C****ue ****more ****needless **** "****I ****WAS ****WEARING ****A ****BLACK ****CORSET ****WITH ****A ****LOAD ****OF ****CORSET ****STUFF ****ON ****IT ****AND ****FISHNETS ****AND ****BOOTS ****AND ****WHITE ****FOUNDATION ****AND ****BLACK ****EYELINER ****AND ****A ****BILLION ****FUCKING ****PIERCINGS ****IN ****MY ****EARS****" ****talk)**

"Oh my satan!1" (geddit lolz koz shes gofik) **(Do ****I ****even ****need ****to ****comment ****on ****this? ****Really? ****It****'****s ****chapter ****36, ****we ****get ****the ****point ****by ****now)** gasped B"lody Mary. "Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?" **(Predictable. ****Seriously, ****Tara, ****make ****me ****work ****here!)**

"OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" said Profesor Trevolry. **(To ****use ****her ****way ****of ****addressing ****people:**** "****No, ****bitch****"****)**

"I can"t fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first." said Willow.

"Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also...sum luv potion 4 Enoby." Darko said resultantly. **(I ****don****'****t ****even ****know ****what ****to ****say)**

"Well we have potions klass now." Willow said so let"s go.

We went sexily to Potionz class **(HUH?)**. But Snap wasn"t there. Instead there was...Cornelio Fuck!11111 **(CORNELIO ****FUCK?**** THIS ****IS ****THE ****BEST ****THING ****THAT****'****S ****HAPPENED ****TO ****ME ****ALL ****DAY, ****INCLUDING ****A ****DISCUSSION ****ABOUT ****TV ****SHOWS ****FROM ****OUR ****CHILDHOOD ****LIKE **_**OAKEY **__**DOKE **_**AND **_**EL **__**NOMBRE **_**IN ****UNI!)**

"Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111" Draco shouted angrily.

"STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck. "He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. "Now do ur work!111" **(Hey! ****Unnecessary!)**

My friendz and I talked arngrily.

"Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1" Vampire asked surprisedly. **(No, ****surprisingly, ****nobody ****can ****believe ****it!**** Actually, ****I ****got ****Company ****magazine****'****s ****High ****Street ****Edit ****and ****they ****had ****a ****section ****on ****unlikely ****style ****icons, ****and ****Snape ****was ****in ****it ****in ****a ****section ****on ****cloaky ****coat ****things! ****Snape ****as ****a ****style ****icon! ****But ****I ****digress)**

"DATZ IT!11" CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. "IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE!111" **(Ooh, ****scary!)**

He stomped out angrily.

Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer **(xxxHardxCorexxx)**. Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard. **(What ****the ****hell? ****Pedo!)**

"WTF is he doing?" I asked. **(I ****wanna ****know ****too!)** Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. **(Suddenly****… ****he ****was ****so ****much ****more ****sex - ****doesn****'****t ****he ****always ****wear ****eyeliner?)** Suddenly..."HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11" he shooted. **(Killing ****himself ****to ****exclude ****himself ****from ****this ****horror ****story!)**

I looked around...Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 **(*crossing ****fingers*****please ****be ****Roofies, ****PLEASE ****be ****Roofies****…****)** Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily. **(****… ****with ****their ****penises?)**

"God u r such a posr!1" I shooted at Hairgrid **(YEAH ****HARGIRD ****YOU ****PREPPY ****GOTH ****MAN CHILD!)**. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was...Amnesia Portion!111 **(HOLY ****FUCK, ****CALL ****THE ****WIZARD ****POLICE!)**


	37. Hogwarts School for Sex and Orgasms

_This is the chapter where I was at my drunkest, which resulted in spelling errors and mistypings that rival Tara's! I'm editing spelling etc for on this site, but the unedited original is on my Tumblr: lululovegood(dot)tumblr(dot)com(slash)post(slash)14037579270(slash)uneditedmyimmortalcommentary. Remove (dot) and replace with a full stop, etc. _

_I hope you all will have a very Merry Christmas and happy New Year! Don't be a stranger, Hermione Granger, come and review! I love to read all your reviews!_

_I've just realised I have only six chapters left after this one! Noooooooooooooooo! Tara please come back and finish this so I can continue to rip the shit out of you!_

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><p>AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11<p>

DARKO'S PONT OF VIEW LOL **(IT****'****S ****SO ****FUNNY! ****Either ****I ****just ****had ****déjà ****vu ****or ****she****'****s ****said ****something ****like ****this ****before)**

Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor. **(S ****S ****S ****and ****M ****M ****M!)**

"Oh mi fucking satan!11" Enoby said. She wuz so hot. **(Of ****course ****the ****self-insertion ****of ****the ****author ****was ****fucking ****jizz ****in ****my ****pants ****hot)** "Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1" **(MAYBE ****YOU****'****RE ****A ****SLAG?)**

"But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata," **(Tata? ****Some ****people ****call ****their ****boobs ****their ****tatas.**** "****You****'****re ****so ****sexy ****and ****wonderful ****anyway, ****Breasts")** said Vampire. "Why would u need it?" **(She ****being ****a ****brown-noser ****Harry. ****Pull ****yourself ****together ****for ****fuck****'****s ****sake!)**

"To make everyfing go faster lol." said Enoby. **(LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!)**

"But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?" I asked jelosly. **(Um.. ****ya. ****I ****think ****you ****all ****went ****over ****the ****fact ****she ****has ****to ****flash ****her ****gash ****around ****at ****every ****opportunity?)**

"OMFG u guyz r so scary!11" said Britney, a fucking prep. **(What****'****s ****she ****doing ****here****?)**

"Shut the fuk up!1" said Willow.

"Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry's room." **(Weren****'****t ****they ****there ****in ****the ****last ****chapter? ****I ****don****'****t ****know, ****I****'****m ****a ****few ****Millers ****to ****the ****wind ****right ****now)**

Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater's room. But Profesor Sinister wasn't there. Instead Tom Rid was. **(HOW? ****Actually, ****you ****know ****what? ****I ****don****'****t ****care)**

Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez. **(GOOD ****FOR ****YOU)**

I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said ▒666' on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset. **(Oh ****god, ****is ****Draco ****goinf ****to ****dress ****up ****as ****Frank ****N ****Furter ****or ****some ****other shit?)**

"OMG fangz!" I said hugging him in a gothic way. I took da clothes in da bag. **(****… ****okay. ****Draco****'****s ****getting ****overly ****friendly ****with ****the ****crazy ****80s ****gothic ****pre-murderous ****Voldie)**

"OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?" asked Draco **(YOU ****ARE ****DRACO)**. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall.

"Oh my fuking satan!1" I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now **(Fuck ****my ****actual ****life)**. Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge. **(THANK ****YOU ****PROFEESSOR ****RUMBLEROAR)**

"OMFG!111" I shoted arngrily. "How could they do that!11"

Suddenly Dumblydore came. **(For G****od****'****s ****sake, ****everyone ****has ****premature ****ejaculation ****problems ****at ****this ****fucking ****school!)**

"WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1" he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly's blak tim machine!111 **(Piss ****off!)** I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. **(Good)** Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 **(****… ****duuuuur!)** I looked around. It was...Profesor Slutborn's efface! **(Ho-ly ****shit!)** I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz...Profesor Slutgorn!11 **(Why ****are ****you ****so ****surprised? ****It****'****s ****his ****fucking ****office!)**

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don't kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY. **(WUT ****DA ****FUK ****IS ****ANYONE ****DOING **_**I **_**SHOOTED ****ANGRILLY!)**

"Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class." you said finally hoping he couldn't c da potion in ur pocket. **(**_**My **_**pocket?)**

"Oh ok u can go now." said Profesor Slutborn.

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR. **(I ****was ****gonna ****say ****something ****there ****bu****t ****can****'****t ****remember ****what)**

"Oh hi you guys." I said seductively. **(YOU ****ARE ****A ****HO ****FO ****SHO!)** "Wheres Satan?"

"Oh he's cumming." **(SERIOUSLY ****WITH ****THE ****PREMSTURE ****EJACTULATION ****PEOPLE! ****And ****she ****actually ****spelt i****t ****like ****orgasm ****coming ****this ****time)** said Serious. "BTW u can kall me Hades **(Really?) **now." Suddenly Satan came. **(Of ****course ****he ****did. ****This ****is ****Whore-warts ****School ****for ****Sex ****and ****Orgasms ****after all!)** He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie. **(I ****don****'****t ****even ****care. ****How ****about ****this: ****I****'****m ****wearing ****blue ****pajama ****bottoms ****with ****a ****black, ****grey ****and ****white ****print ****of ****flowers ****and ****butterflies, ****with ****a ****lilac ****vest ****that ****has ****a ****blue, ****white, ****pink ****and ****green ****floral ****print ****on ****it. ****Suck. ****It.)**

"Ok I will see you guyz at da concert." I said and then I went with Satan. **(Of ****course ****you ****did. ****This ****is ****so ****predictable)**


	38. Ebony and Satan, Sitting in a Tree

_Hey guys! I hope you all had really awesome Holidays and New Years! I'm currently writing this while on the train to university. It's a 40 minute journey so I thought I'd write the first chapter of commentary for 2012._

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><p>AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111 <strong>(I don't want to know whether or not I'm truly goffik or not thanks)<strong>

Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. **(Of course it was. Is this going to be like her descriptions of clothes, but for a car?)** On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco's car. **(Well, what else was it supposed to say? You're so predictable, put some more effort in!)** I went in it seduktivly **(How can you get into a car seductively? I might practice this later on)**. Stan **(Stan? Shunpike?)** started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan) **(Really? I thought he was named after... hang on, who is Satan now anyway? Is it Voldemort? I lose track)**, kuttting, musik and being goffik. **("Do you cut?" "Yeah." "Do you like MCR?" "Yeah." "I love being goffik." "Me too.")**

"Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11" Volxemort agreed **(Shouldn't he say "Oh me!" as he is called Satan? But now we know once again who Satan is, huzzah!)** as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy) **(I she writing her own narration here? "Tara goes and has sexual intercourse with a bisexual male")**

"Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena."**(I totally decided you were a whiny emo bitch when I heard that you weren't going to kill yourself because you heard Helena)** I said in a flirty voice. "...Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?" **(He should do, since for some reason the truth potion – if that's what it is in this story – is named after him!)**

"Well..." he thought. "I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod." **(Vampire as in Edward Cullen – ha ha – or Dracula? I thought vampires don't have blood? Or are we talking Harry "Vampire" Potter's blood?)**

Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. **(Why is it so important that even the cinema is black? Does it exclusively show horror films or something?)** Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist **(Reagan is on a thigh master and projectile vomiting over her mother who is telling her she needs to do cardio as well as strength for a full workout)**. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol **(She hasn't even seen the Exorcist has she? Unless the boy is actually the crucifix...?)**. Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we're sadists. **(Yes but in a previous chapter you established that you were a sadist but stopped hurting someone in order to be nice to them or something...)**

While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan's gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar **(I'm holding in my breath right now to not burst out laughing on the train! A ****TNBC cigar! Not a blunt then, seeing as you were smoking weed earlier? But oh my god, that is so horribly cliché and cringeworthy) **sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. **(Did you unroll it? What am I talking about, of course not!)** I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag **(Emily the Strange? Oh dear...)**. Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere. **(Trying to hold back from bashing my head against the tray table here...)**

"OMG!111" Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd **(Noticed that he was with you?)**. "Enoby gess what?"

I new that the amnesia had worked. **(I KNEW months ago that you can't spell. Sorry, I was trying to take the piss out of "new" but had to go past-tense to make it work)**

"Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work." He said. **(I'm so confused. It's like watching **_**Inception**_** for the first time all over again)** "2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u." **(CHEAT! LIAR!)**

"Kul." I raised my eye suggestingly **(He wanted to drug you, you daft hoebag!)**. And den... he tok of my cloves **(… of garlic?)** sexily and we started 2 make out **(In the cinema? When, I'm sorry, "The Exercise" is on? That being said, I know some people who have done worse than that in the cinema. Anne Summer's parties reveal many secrets... but I digress)**. I tok of his shit **(I AM ABOUT TO FUCKING COMBUST WITH LAUGHTER ON THIS TRAIN! YOU TOOK OFF HIS **_**SHIT**_**?)**. He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 **(Does Gerard have a six pack?) **We frenched.

"Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111" shooted da lady behind us she was a prep. **(NO, SHE HAS MORALS YOU CUM-DUMPSTER!)**

"Fuk u!11" I said. Suddenly... I attaked her suking all her blood. **(Oh lord!)**

"Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped **(I'm sorry, but this has to be deliberate!) **koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether **(No... I want to vomit just reading about this!)**. Satan and I started to walk outside. **(Naked?)**

"Zomg how did u do that?" Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice.

"I'm a vampire." I said as we went into the car. **(Oh my god, I completely forgot about her being a vampire with all the other bullshit that was going on)**

"Siriusly?" he gasped. **(If this were Tumblr, I would add my "Siriusly" GIF here)**

"Yah siriusly." I said drinking sum beer. Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily. **(You probably smell like man-places, whore)**

"Itz too bad we didn't get 2 c da rest of the movie, don't u fink?" **(No, in the end, Reagan gets a personal trainer and it isn't the fun and frolics of her attempting to use the treadmill by herself at a high speed anymore)**

"Yah." I said as we kised passively. Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time **(Yes, you do have a boyfriend)**. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol. **(Who do you reckon wears the most makeup: Ebony or Manson?)**

"Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111" screamed Marlin on da stage. We did the devil fingers **(I did the fingers down my throat)**. I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay!1 He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way **(I'm looking fed up right about now)**. I almost got an orgaism!1 **(Somebody, PLEASE tell her about sex!) **Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.

"I wood like to peasant...XBlakXTearX!11" he said. I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag. **(You got onstag? YOU MOUNTED JAMES POTTER? HE IS LILY'S, YOU BITCH!)**

"Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111" I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy **(When I get into uni I'm going to go into the darkroom and swallow all the chemicals because I can't take this shit any more! Or wait for the next 125 to Paddington and jump in front of it!)**. Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation **(Fuck me... This is stupid)**. "I'M NUT OKAY!1" I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak. **(… Draco will hear about this? Because she'll go forward in time and tell his son...?)**

"OMFG!1" yielded James **(What is James' gothic name again? Ah, so he actually was there then!)**. "Wut the fuck?"

"Woops im sory!" said Lucian.

"You fuking ashhole!1" James shouted angrily.

"U guys are such prepz!11" Snap said. "Cum on it wuz a mistake!1"

"Yah itz not his fault!11" said Serious.

"No he ruined the fucking song!1" yelled Samaro. **(Ladies... keep it together!)**

"U guys stop!11" I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife. **(Who's Samaro again? I get so confused)**

"OMFG no!11" shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm. **(Laughing silently on a morning rush-hour train...)**

And den...I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11 **(What? How do you do that? Usually when I'm at home writing commentaries, when she comes out with stupid shit like this I'll try to do it to see what it's supposed to look like. I had to hold myself back from doing it then)**

"No!111" yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak. **(Good. But of course she didn't die)**

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><p><em>As there's only about six chapters left after this, I've began to think about what other stories I could write commentaries for as i've enjoyed writing this so much. I found a Twilight one called "Twila, the Girl who was in Love with a Vampire" (or something like that), so when I finish this I'll make a start on that one. I hope you'll join me there too!<em>


	39. The Death and Rebirth of the MarySue

_I haven't abandoned you guys! I've had a really hard time the past few months, my granddad died and by doggie was put to sleep after a sudden bad turn last week. It was hard to write a commentary for something that actually is well-written! This is the hacked chapter._

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><p>Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series and I am not the real XXXbloodyrists666XXX. <strong>(This will be interesting!)<strong>

AN/ I am an extremely immature pathetic idiot girl, I know **(No, you aren't!)**. Out of boredom, I crack this girl's passy for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too) and will probably get in a shitload of trouble. Which I probably deserve 'cause I'm being a troll right now. Meh. **(Her password was probably "Gerard Way" or something gothic, I'll put money on it)**

And I present to you MY crappy part in this story. (And take note I haven't even finished reading this fic yet, but instead skip over to skim chapter 38.) Flame, laugh, do whatever you want "preps."

I, the American retail wearing british vampire Sue, coughed up blood. **(Damn, she's alive)**

Satan kneeled down beside me.

"Noooooooooooooooo! Don't die!" **(Pleeeeeeeeeeease! Please die!)**

I gave him a rueful smile. "I'm sorry. It's something I had to do, to fufill my duty as the noble gothic Mary Sue." **(Everyone hear the rising violin chorus? Sing it with me: "HAAAAAAAAAAAALEJULAH! HAAAAAAAAAAAAALEJULAH! HALEJULAH! HALEJULAH! HALEEEEEEEE-JULAH!")**

Satan sobbed. "I love you Ebony." **(No, it's Enoby, or Enobooby or some other shit, that's what it kept saying)**

"I love you two **(...)**. I'll...I'll see you in hell." **(Sniggering!)** I mumbled, already finding my surroundings fading to black.

B'loody Mary Smith **(I forget, is that Hermione?)** suddenly popped into the room for no apparent reason. She frowned when she realized the room was oddly quiet, but at the sight of Ebony's lifeless body, she screamed. Her face became pale with horror. She screamed for the healers, Dumbledore, Mcgoogle, and every single gothic person she could think of. **(Wait, they're in the past and B'loody Mary is there?)**

Suddenly, a glow started to surround the body of Ebony. Everyone stared in shock. Her body started to lift ever so slowly and then, to everyone's shock, it started to incinerate. **(Yeeeeeeees!)**

When everyone realized what was happening, they rushed over to try to rescue the body, but it was too late, the Sue became nothing more then a pile of ashes. **(Happy dance!)**

A loud resounding of everyone bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!" filled the room. **(Of course, she was so loved!)**

A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the room. Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed.

All the silly goth clothes dropped from everyone's bodies (AN/I will refuse to explain how the hell that happened.) and, in their place, clothes the characters would normally wear in canon appeared on their bodies. **(Huzah! Weasley jumpers and thick tights and knitwear for everybody!)**

When everyone got over the shock of becoming free of the gofick power, everybody cheered. Everyone started singing 'Ding dong the sue is dead...' Well, that is, until all the HP characters realized the true implications of becoming more canon like again.

All the characters who were supposed to be dead fell to the floor, their bodies cold and lifeless **(Goodbye Marauders! Sob!)**. Harry and Voldemort started dueling. On the left side of the two, the battle of the Light Side and the Dark Side were reaching a climax. **(Go on, Order! You can do dis!)**

And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, Draco and Hermione fled the scene and got married. **(Dramione! Poor Ebony must be turning in her... ashes? Over this)**

Meanwhile...

Down in hell, Ebony shed a single tear because of her current situation. A situation that would live on for all eternity. Or at least until the end of fanfiction time.

She lost it all, but she knew she had to remain strong. Nothing would ever break her down.

She looked down over her pale body, and frowned. 'Where are my emo clothes?' She asked herself in confusion.

And then it occured to her...

For her shirt, she was wearing a bright pink polo with a little seagull on the (right or left? I can't remember) side. Below that, she was wearing a denim miniskirt with the "destroyed" look on it. Paired underneath that skirt were leggings with a little moose at the bottom. And then Ebony realized, on her shoulder, she was carrying a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said Live Your Life written all over the bag. **(Uh oh...)**

Ebony supressed the urge to scream. Here she was decked out in clothes prep to the extreme wearing stuff from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, AND Hollister. **(This really is hell!)**

Panicked, Ebony hastily tried to take off the Hollister polo, but underneath it, there was another Hollister polo underneath. Ebony frowned, and looked under her shirt. All she saw was a bra underneath (dare I point out it's from the Aerie line available at American Eagle?). Ebony tried to remove the shirt again. But to her frustration, there was yet again another polo to replace it. **(It's like when Joey tried on all of Chandler's clothes!)**

"THIS IS UNLOGICAL AND DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!" **(Well, she'd be an expert!) **Ebony bellowed out to the air. She failed to see the irony in her statement, how hypocrytical her words were, seeing as she was practically calling the kettle black here.

Ebony slit her writs and mumbled to herself, "Omigod."

/End Crap Fic.

AN/ Oh yeah, if you wanna see the original content this chick had planned for this chapter, I accessed it through the document manager thingy, which I copied and pasted, so you can read it here:

AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind **(I'm hoping I never saw her out and about without realising the monstrosity of her crimes against literature) **until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111

I woke up in da Norse's offace on a special gothik coffin **(Well, there's a surprise!)**. Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up **(Why? Actually, why did Vampire and Draco beat him up if she's in the past?)**. Mr. Noris was cleaning the room. **(The cat can clean?)**

"Oh mi satan wut happened!" I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came **(Eww)**. He loked less mean then usual.

"Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11" I yielded.

"Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11" he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective. **("Okay, tear number one, you can leave my eye. Tears number two to five, you aren't going anywhere")**

"Volxemort? OMFG what's wrong!111" I asked. **(Why are you concerned for him you asshat?)**

Sudenly... Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came **(Oh my Christ. Viagra, people, please!)**! B'lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD. **(HO-LY SHIT)**

"OMFG Enoby ur alive!111" Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B'lody Mary. **(What about Draco? Is he there? I honestly can't be assed to reread this to check)**

"What the fuk happened?" I asked dem. "Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?" I gosped. **(I hope so)**

"Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. "But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time." **(Ebony did not turn into Nina Sayers and die dancing the role of Odette. She is the Swan Queen)**

"But fangz anyway!1" said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms! **(… it is not uncommon for people to have two arms. Did he only have one arm in a previous chapter?)**

"OMG I cant beleve Vampirz' dad shot u!1" I gasped.

"Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den." said James. **(Okay: 1. Snape is Harry's dad? And, 2. Snape possessed himself?)**

"Yah he wuz a spy." Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer." **(Yes, Snape was a Death Dealer. Not a drug dealer)**

"And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. "He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." **(Oh. My. Satan)** Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents **(Why?)**. I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) **(Didn't she already watch this immensely gothic film in a previous chapter?) **on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz. **(The cat is angry)**

"Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally. **(So he isn't here then. My mind can rest)**

"No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." **(OH MY GOD. THIS IS GOLD!) **said Profesor Trevolry. "He duzzn't know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1"

I got up suicidally **(Oh for fuck's sake, stop doing things suicidally!)**. Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun **(A what now?)**. Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt **(Must've been small text as there is barely any butt-covering material in a thong. And leather underwear? That must be extremely sweaty!)** and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don't get da idea massage me **(I'm not touching you) **ill tell u). I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. I left the hospital's wings wif B'lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.

"OMFG letz celebrate!11" gasped Willow.

"We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1" giggled Vampire. **(I bet Vampire would like to see some hoes)**

"Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11" said Hermoine **(Who? I thought she was B apostrophe Loddy Mary?)**. We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den...I gasped... Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 **(… aaaaaaand?)** He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz. **(There it is)**

"U fucking prep!11" we all yielded angrily. **(Why?)**

"Yah u betrayed us!111" shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun. **(Huh?)**

"No u don't understand!1" screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake's. **(WHOA. BACK UP, REWIND. They were doing it? And more importantly, he had his peen inside of Snape's peen?)**

"No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111" said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out. **(Of the fridge)**

"Enoby no!11111" screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again. **(Again? Boooooooring!)**

Sincerely,

An-Anon-Author-Who-Will-Silently-Not-Reveal-Her-Identity-Because-She's-A-Coward :P

A.K.A. Just a troll with rocks for brains.


	40. Hagwig? How about Voldewig?

_Okay, so technically this is chapter 41, since chapter 40 is a repost of Tara's original chapter 39 that was hacked and published by a troll, so no use commentating on that one again._

_Sorry I've been so long to update, I've had loads of uni work to do, including three written reports/essays, my major project, and organising the end-of-year exhibition. I should actually be doing work now since it's three weeks until deadline, but I'm using any motivation I have to write and post this commentary._

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><p><strong>(If anybody can make sense of this, congratulations on your awesome skills) <strong>AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF! I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is ur proly al prepz and pozers!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out. Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks. OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!111 I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako. if u flame ill slit muh risztz!11 raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland.

When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XblakXTearX!11 **(Which was...)** I looked arund confusedly. **(No outfit description? Okay)** It wuz da Norse's office but it looked difrent! On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!1111 (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok koz he is more old den panic? at da dizcko or mcr) **(Literacy and logic are taking a serious hit today)** der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. **(I didn't know Ringo wore black herbs!)** On it said '1980.' **(Do some research Tara, they split up in 1970, Lennon was assassinated in 1980)**

"OMFG! Im back in Tim again!111" **(I remember when I went back in Tim. It was odd. Tim didn't like it) ** I screamed loudly. Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss!) **(What?)**. Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, **(Like Michael Jackson?) **blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!11 **(I can't...)**

"OMFG Enoby r u ok." He asked gothikally.

"Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped sexily. **(Yeah, because guys love it when you go all short-tempered and naggy)** "OMG am I dedd?" **(I wish I were dead right about now)** koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame's gun. I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap!111 **(This is just a funny mental image)**

I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine. **(May I extend my deepest sympathies to all the scientists whose work is taking a serious bashing in this fic)**

"No ur not dead." Satan reassured suicidally as he smokd a cigarette sexily and smoke came all over his face. **(Smoke came all over his face? Cumshot)** "Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet. Cum on now lets go c how Hairy's dad is doing." **(HAIRY'S DAD!)**

I noo dat da real reason I didn't die from da ballet was koz I was from da future. **(I know the real reason I'm not reaching for a sharp object to end my misery is because there are so many great pieces of literature that I haven't read yet)** "WTF! James almust shot Luciious!" I said indigoally. I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn't want him2 know I knew.

"Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress." Satan reasoned evilly. **(I'm getting a fucking stress headache reading this)**

"I guess that's ok." I said because James hadn't really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!11 **(Was he wearing a t-shirt saying "I AM BISEXUAL" because otherwise you can't tell by looking)** He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel **(BILLY JOEL!)** wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don't 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. "Hey." He sed all qwietly and goffically.

"Who da fuck is that?" I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him.

"Dis is...Hedwig!11" **(I HAVE FUCKING TEARS IN MY EYES! THE FUCKING BIRD IS A BISEXUAL GOTH! YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!)** Sed Volximort. "He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm. **(Arm, wing, whatever)**

"Hey Hedwig." I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b.

"Lol hi Enoby." He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature. **(Hagrid teaches you how to groom a unicorn and train Nifflers to hunt out serum and combs)** He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!)

"Bye." I sed all sexily.

"Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up." Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.

"OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!" I said fingering something I didn't know wuz in my pocket- a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem? dey kik azz!). **(I can't understand that because of the spelling)**

"Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig. Im going 2 show u something grate!1" I led them to da Great Hall. "Cum on u guys." **(A lesson in comma usage. "Cum on, you guys" translates to "follow me!". "Cum on you guys" translates to "ejaculate on you")**

Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him. **(Lets be fair, if someone I went to school with tried to shoot me, I wouldn't talk to them either)**

"Go fuk urself you fukking douche!" he shouted at him. "Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!1" **(But this is the 80s and they haven't been born yet... apparently)**

"Yah go fuck urself Samaro!" Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian.

"B quiet u guys." I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great. Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! Now Vampire's dad wood never die and "OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out." I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod. **(What?)**

"Kool." said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. I noo Snape was bi.

"Oh my fukking god! Voldimort! Voldimort!" screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort's. **(OH MY GOD! Why do so many students have guns in this WIZARDING SCHOOL?)**

But suddenly everything stopped as da door opend and in kame...Dumblydore and Mr. Norris!111111111111 **(Least dramatic cliffhanger ever)**


	41. iPod, iShadow, iGiveUp

_Sorry for the delay guys, I've now finished uni (woohoo!) and had my end of course exhibition in London last week. So glad I have more time to write fanfics now, but there are only two chapters left of this fic before the end! Again, R&R, it brightens my day!_

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><p>AN: omg da new book iz kumming <strong>(My <strong>_**Potter**_** books have only ever ejaculated magic. Nope? Sounded better in my head)** out rlly soon I kant wait!1111. I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!1111 **(Oh how wrong you were!)** nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!111 **(Actually, she's turning into an oracle) **omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it? **(Oh god, just when I think she's getting smarter, she says some stupid fangirl stuff like this) **If dey don't den JKR is hamophobic!111111 **(… big sigh)** fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa u rok!111

I sat depressedly in Dumbledork's office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. **(How do you sit cruelly?)** He looked more young den he did in da future. **(To paraphrase Snape: "Years of life experiences have not been wasted on you. 'He looked more young than he did in da future'". OF COURSE YOU LOOK YOUNGER IN THE PAST!)** He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song. **(The early albums were great, it all went downhill around the time of **_**The Best Damn Thing**_**)**

"What da hell is this anyway?" he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn't find out dat I was frum another time.

"Whatever u do don't blame Ibony, u jerk." Satan said. **(Satan, telling it like it is since he fell from Heaven)**

"Yah, siriusly **(BA DUM, DUM, TSSSSSH!)** she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together." Serious said deviantly. **(**_**The Devil Fucks Owls**_**, starring Anne Hathaway and Merryl Streep)**

"Be quiet you Satanists." Dumbledore cockled. "If ur lucky I'll probably send u all to Akazaban! **(Isn't that a Pokemon?)** That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall." He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n'Sync song. Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn't notece.

"You fucking poser." I muttoned.

"I bet you've never herd of GC." James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly's tim machine!11 **(Oh sweet mother of god...)**

"Shut up Jomes!" Drako's dad shouted.

"Yeah shut up!" Snake said preppily.

"No u shut up Dumblydore!1111" said Tom. **(Wait... Tom, Satan, they're boh Voldemort, right? I've lost track)**

"I've had enough of u Satanists in my school!" shouted Dumbledore spuriously.**(So have I, kick them out!)**

Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. "Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8! **(Evry1! Lrn 2 spell r8! That spells "rate", doesn't it?)** I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was...Satan.

"You dunderheads!1111111111" screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went. **(Actually, I got this one. He said it wisely because they actually are dunderheads. Well done)**

I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black. **(Shall I do this for what is most likely the last time? Okay... I'm wearing ¾ length/cut off jeans, an oversized Rolling Stones top and purple furry slipper boots. I'm wearing no makeup and my dirty-blonde fringe is pinned off my face while the rest of it reaches the middle of my back)**

"Hey kool where iz dis?" he asked in an emo voice.

"Dis is da future. Dumbeldore's iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine." I told him.

"Kool what's an ipatch?" he whimpered. **(Something pirates wear)**

"It's somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music." I yakked.

"OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?" he esked in his sexah voice. **(Wat?)**

"Um I guezz sand?" I laid confuesdly.

"Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon." He triumphently giggled. **(That was a foolproof way of checking you haven't been impersonated by a Death Eater. Really puts Arthur's "What do you like me to call you in bed?" and Kingsley's "What was the last thing Dumbledore ever said to us?" in the shade, huh?)**

Suddenly some of my friends walked in. **(Well, you are in the same house and you're in the common room, so...)**

"OMG you're fucking alive!" said Ginny wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive. **(Because the rage of millions of angry readers cannot kill off a fictional character, no matter how hard we try?)**

"Konichiwa, bitch." said Willow. **(FUCKING SPAT ALL OVER MY LAPTOP SCREEN, LMAO!)** She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick. **(Insert Willy Wonka "Please tell me more" meme here)**

"Hey, motherfucker." Said Diabolo with his red hair. He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and blak baggy pants.

"Hey whose that, Ibony?" B'loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes.

"Oh its Satan." I told her and she nodded knowing da truth.

Suddenly Satan started to cry. **(Voldemort cries? Maybe because he's realised how fucking OOC he's being and wants to be in the capable hands of Rowling?)**

"Are you okay Satan?" we asked concernedly.

"OMFG ur from da future!1! What if u don't like m anymore koz were from difrent times?" he asked.

"No I still like you." I said sexily to him. **(I don't even...)**

"Ok." He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner.

"Oh my fucking god, where's Draco!111 How did Snap get back here! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan." I asked sadly. **(He was, he competed in the Eurovision Song Contest but no one voted for his rendition of "Caught Out There" by Kelis, and was given "nil pwa")**

"Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can't fucking die because you're a vrompire. Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. I never liked her she was a bad student." Trevolry said reassuredly. **(And this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you're a goth and she's a fucking prep, right?)**

"That bitch!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?" I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep. **(Theeeeeeeeeeeere you go)**

"Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!" Trevolry said worriedly.

"OK. But where's Dracko? How cum he was doing it with Snap?" **(Snaco shippers got their way?)**

"I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself." she said.

"OMG dat's terrible!" I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn't tell what was going on. Then I said "Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!" wiv dat I ran out.

"Good luck Tara!11" everyone cried. **(Aaaaah, self-insertion. What a wonderful device!)**

I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.

"You fucking bitch!111" I shouted angrily.

"No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!" she laughed. **(But he's asleep in the "commen" room!)**

"Crucious!1" I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.

"No!1 Help me!1 Please!1" Britney screamed terrifiedly.

I put up my middle finger at her. In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it. Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. "OMG Vampira!111" I yielded.

We hugged each udder happily. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow **(Apple finally started to make cosmetics, such as "iMakeup" and "iLiner")**. His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox!1)"I wus so worried you died!" moaned Vampire.

"I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me." **(Completely disregarding the canon events that happened to Voldemort during the 80s)**

"Where's Draco?" I asked spuriously.

"Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?" Vampir snarkled with anger in his sexy voice.

"I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM." I SED SMARTY.

"I'll do it den." Harry said angstily.

"OK." I argreed. Suddenly...all da lights in da room went out. And den...da Dork Mark appeared.

"Oh my fucking satan!" Harry shouted.

"I fink Voldimort has arrivd." **(He's in the fucking common room... DOES NO ONE PAY ATTENTION?)** I sed anxiously. "Fuck, I have to find Draco!1 I guess we shood separate."

"Ok." Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.


	42. Harry doesn't know he's boning Voldie

_This is the penultimate chapter! Nooooo!_

_I hope you've all had good summers. I've been busy getting ready to go to a different university in September, I went away for the weekend to Devon, and took part in the hype surrounding The Dark Knight Rises. It was amazing and the perfect end to the Nolan Dark Knight Trilogy. _

_I highly doubt that this fic will have an amazing and perfect end._

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><p>AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz. Fangz 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!111111 if u flam den fukk u!111 <strong>(I just... this is the 42<strong>**nd****(?) 43****Rd****(?) chapter and you would've thought I could decipher her illiterate babbling by now but nooooo)**

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I walked sexily into the Great Hall. It was empty except for one person. Draco was there! He sat der in deddly bloom **(Deadly bloom? Orlando's evil brother? A dangerous flower? Seriously, what is "deadly bloom"?)** in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had slit his wrists!111 **(What a shame) **I felt mad at him for having sexwith Snape **(WHOA, WHAT? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? I SHOULD KNOW AFTER WRITING COMMENTARIES FOR 40-ODD CHAPTERS BUT I DO NOT REMEMBER THIS!)**but I felt sorry for him. He looked just like Gerard Way with his red eyes and his pale white face.

"Draco are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm not okay." he screamed depressedly. **(AAAAAAAAAAHAHA!)** I thought of the MCR song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry. **(It's a pretty upbeat song though... lets not get into the inner workings of an emo's mind) **I gave him a pot cigarette and he started to smoke it. **(A POT CIGARETTE?! JESUS CHRIST)**

"Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?" I asked teardully. **(I'm listening intently because I want to find out too because I DO NOT REMEMBER THAT FOR THE LIFE OF ME!)**

"I-" Draco began to say but suddenly Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room! **(SUSPENSE!) **They didn't see us. **(Well, that was a letdown)**

"Im so glad we me and Snape were freed." said Loopin.

"Dam, this job would be great if it wasn't 4 da fukking students!" Mr. Norris argreed. **(Yes, the job being the school caretaker would be so much better if there weren't any students in the school... to be fair though I expect FILCH feels that way)**

"Pop addelum!111" I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them.

"Noooooooo!1" Lupin shouted as chains came on him **(That spell is **_**'Incarcerous**_**' not a load of mumbo-jumbo, jeez Tara, read a Potter book!)**. Mr. Norris ran away.

"You fukking perv." I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness in my voice **(Ooh, emotive language, A+ for you!)**. "Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is or I'm gong 2 torture u!"

"I don't now where he is!1111" said Loopin. Suddenly Satan and Vampire ran in2 da room. Vampir didn't know who Satan was really. **(Thanks for reminding me!)**

"Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!1" Vampire said. I looked sexily at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way, Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then. **(This could be a question in an exam: **_**Describe the appearance of three men. Include stereotypical clothing descriptions and relate them to "emo" musicians circa 2006**_**)**

I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. **(Eh?)** And then….. I began frenching Draco sexily. Loopin gasped. Draco began to take all of his cloves off **(This would be a great place to put "geddit because he's a vampire" or some equally gothic shit)** and I could see his white sex-pack. Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. We all began making out 2gther sexily. **(WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA! A THREESOME? IN THE GREAT HALL? IN FRONT OF LUPIN?!) **I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out **(HA! Get it? Because they both shoot... stuff?)** except 4 me im a girl lol. "Oh mi satan! Draco!" I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Harry.**(Huh? He put it in Enoby for two secs then he put it in Harry?)** I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. "OMS!111" cried Vampire. "Oh Vampire! Vampire!" I screamed screamed. "Oh Satan!" yelled Harry in pleasore **(If only he knew that he was fucking the guy that killed his parents, but the guy that killed his parents had travelled forwards from the past and was still young...)**. Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists. **(So much for the group sex, then) **Suddenly…..

….a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!11 **(I forget, am I supposed to be shocked by this or...?)**


	43. Snape ejaculates and Voldemort's nekked

_This is it! This is the last chapter! I've had so much fun writing the commentary to this fic, so much that I'm going to write commentary for _Twila, Da Girl Who Was In Luv W A Vampir. _If that goes well, I might do a _Imma Wiserd_ commentary too._

_Thanks to everyone who has reviewed this fic, especially those of you who review each chapter as I publish it. I love seeing familiar screen-names pop up in my inbox._

_Anyway, thanks again guys, and on with the last chapter of _Not Another My Immortal Commentary!

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><p>AN: well I hav noffing 2 say but evrt1 stup glamming ok!111 <strong>(I can't help it that I'm so glamorous sat here ignoring my responsibilities in my pjs at 11.40 on a tuesday morning! - at least it was when I wrote this commentary!)<strong> if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!11 omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!1 tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!1111 **(Oh good lord! Yes, that's what happened, in **_**Order of the Phoenix,**_** Harry went super-emo and started cutting himself... no wait, Umbridge kinda did that for him, my bad)** omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon kant wait! **(I expect everyone who has dated George Bush was excited to be leaving him too!) **Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak. **(So she has been away for like six years then?)**

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"Dat's mi car!" shooted Draco angrily. **(For some reason I read this in Dick van Dyke's fake cockney voice! "Dats me car! It's all me pals! STEP IN TIME!")** But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz….Snape! **(We knew that last chapter, do keep up)**

"I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads." he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing **(CIRCUMSISING WHO? WHAT?)** above us. "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed. **(YAAAAAAAAAY!) **Den the Dork Lord shall never die!"

"You fucking prep!" yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. "I forgot to tell u, Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn't really have sexx him but he's a ropeist **(OH GOOD LORD BABY JESUS)**

We all put our clothes on quickly except Satan. **(He left his basilisk hanging out? Pardon the Dark Lord – or rather, Bark Lord - pun)** We were so scarred!1 **(I'd be scared if fucking VOLDEMORT was standing there naked) **But Satan didn't change. Instead he changed into a man with gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into… Voldemont!111**(Why are you so surprised? You knew Satan was Voldemort seeing as YOU WENT BACK IN TIME TO TRY TO SLEEP WITH HIM OR WHATEVER SINCE THAT'S YOUR ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!)**

"I knew who thou were all along." he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. "Now I shall kill thee all!" Thunder came in da room. **(Actual thunder came into the room?)**

"No plz don't kill us!" pleaded Vampire **(Harry James Potter I'm ashamed at your attitude!)**. Suddenly Willow, B'loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge **(I think the twins are "gorge" too, hee hee hee)**, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in.

"What is da meaning of dis?" Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of.) **(Voldemort's acting like a little child)** He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily. **(Sexy **_**accio**_**)** Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik. **(So he's outside the castle?)**

"Oh my goth!" Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik) **(YES I GET IT. WE ALL FUCKING GET IT! 44 FUCKING CHAPTERS OF "GEDDIT KOS IM GOFFIK" WE GET IT! WEEEEEEEE GEEEEEEEET IIIIIIIIT!)**

"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!" Snape ejaculated menacingly. **(How do you ejaculate menacingly? I don't even want to know. Oh and btw, because of this stupid fic, my copy of OpenOffice Writer suggests the word "ejaculate" when you type in "ej". Because of this fic. Because I have never needed to write that word in a fanfic or otherwise) **

"You fucking preppy fags!" Serious shouted angrily.

"I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!" screamed Harry **(EXCUSE ME?! I know that relates back to a previous chapter but Harry, do the maths. "**_**Cruciatus" **_**has nine letters in it, not four, and is in no way related to dirt. Also, the correct incantation for the Cruciatus Curse is "**_**Crucio".**_** That is just hilarious****) **but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco's car. It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.

"Oh my fucking god!1" I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with **(SATAN DOING IT WITH WHO?!)**

"If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton." He laughed meanly. **(I'm sorry, what?!)**

"No!" I scremed. "FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!11" **(Oh, Voldemort did it with Lupin! When?)**

"Whats she talking abott?" Lupin slurped as he sat in chains.

"I saw 2 she's gunna show evry1 da picter!111" Harry shouted angrily.

"Shut up!111'" Lumpkin roared.

"Foolish ignoramuses!" yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. **(To be honest, I can picture Ralph Fiennes's Voldemort saying something like that)** "Thou shall all dye soon." **(But none of this faux-Shakespearian stupidity) **

"Think again you fucking muggle poser!1" Harry yelled and then he and Diablo and Navel** (Haha, bellybutton) **both took out blak guns! But Voldimort took out his own one.

"U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!111" I shouted despariedrly. **(Is "Latin Stand-Off" a real thing? I've Googled it and it's supposed to be "Mexican Stand-Off")**

"Acco Nevel's wand!11" cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil's wind was in his hands. "Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!11111" **(Wait, Voldemort doesn't have his own wand and he has to steal Bellybutton's?)**

He maid lighting come all over da place. **(… Eww)**

"Save us Ebony!" Dumbledark cried.

I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent. **(Ebony, nothing is more important than watching **_**Shark Attack 3, Saw II**_**, and having sex with Draco Malfoy; and by the way, I hope he's not impotent)**

"ABRA KEDABRA!11111" I shooted.

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><p><em>THE END<em>

_What a fitting end to the fic!_

_Once again, thanks for reading and reviewing. I've had such a good time doing this! Look out for _Not Another Twila, Da Girl Who Was In Luv W A Vampir Commentary, _coming soon!_


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